Family Guy Presents: Lord of the Rings
by mitjef
Summary: Join Brian, Stewie, Peter and the gang along with the cast of American Dad in this full spoof of the Lord of the Rings Fellowship, Two Towers and Return of the King. Unfortunately the original script formatting has been lost.


"FAMILY GUY – LORD OF THE RINGS"

"The Fellowship of the Ring"

by

Jeff Mitchell

Based on an original story by JRR Tolkien

and characters by Seth MacFarlane

Second Draft

November 2011

PROLOGUE – Black screen

GALADRIEL V.O.

The world is changed. I feel it in

the water. I feel it in the earth.

I smell it in the air. Much that

once was is lost, for none now live

who remember it. It began with the

forging of the great rings...

FRODO (Stewie) V.O.

(interrupting)

Ya ya...look if they've paid to

see this movie they've undoubtedly

seen the original Lord of the Rings

and they know we're just here to

make fun of it, so lets skip this

boring introduction and get on with

it, shall we?

GALADRIEL V.O.

Am I still going to get paid for

the whole day?

FRODO (Stewie) V.O.

What do I look like, your agent?

How the hell should I know? Now

piss off so we can get started.

Sound of footsteps and a door slamming shut.

TITLE SCREEN

FADE UP

EXT – FOREST - DAY

FRODO is sitting under a tree doodling in a notepad. A closer look shows it's a drawing of a woman being hung with the words 'DIE ARWEN DIE'. In the background faint music is heard. Frodo perks up and listens. It's the TUNE FROM AN ICE CREAM TRUCK. He jumps up and runs towards it.

EXT – FOREST ROAD – DAY

GANDALF is riding along in his cart, a ghetto blaster is blaring out the ice cream truck music.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Ice cream. Ice cream. Children,

come get your ice cream.

Frodo runs up. Gandalf sees him, stops the cart and turns off the music.

FRODO (Stewie)

You're late.

GANDALF (Herbert)

A wizard is never late Frodo

Baggins, he arrives precisely

when he means to.

Frodo jumps onto the cart.

FRODO (Stewie)

No, it means you're too cheap to

buy a watch. Now whip this nag or

we're going to be late for Uncle

Bilbo's birthday.

Gandalf flicks his whip and the cart begins its travels again.

EXT – PARTY FIELD – NIGHT

A myriad of hobbits are feasting and dancing around. BILBO (Klaus) is walking around being congratulated on his birthday. Gandalf and Frodo walk up to him.

FRODO (Stewie)

Gandalf, you remember my Uncle

Bilbo.

Gandalf stares in amazement then leans over to whisper in Frodo's ear.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

Your Uncle Bilbo? But he's a fish.

FRODO (Stewie)

You try making an epic like this

with our regular cast and see how

you do. We had to pull in everyone

on the payroll. Now get on with it.

Gandalf straightens up and smiles at Bilbo.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Bilbo! Happy Birthday. So good to

see you again.

BILBO (Klaus)

Thank you Gandalf, it's good to

see you too.

The CROWD begins to chant.

CROWD

Speech. Speech.

BILBO (Klaus)

Excuse me, its time to meet my

public. I'll catch up with you

afterwards Gandalf.

Bilbo changes his tone to a whisper.

BILBO (Klaus)

I baked some special brownies like

last time.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Mmmmm...brownies...

Bilbo climbs up onto a stump and faces the audience.

BILBO (Klaus)

Welcome Rocknobs, Dingleberries, Chubflubbers, Shybottoms and

Hairsniffers. My dear friends and

family, thank you for coming to

help me celebrate my one hundred

and eleventh birthday.

(to himself)

Good god, is that how old I am?

Good thing I'm not a salmon, I

would have died twenty-seven

times already.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

(back to the audience)

Eleventy-one years is a long time

to live among such admirable hobbits

as yourself. I know half of you

twice as much as you think and the

rest of you think half as much as

you should.

Bilbo pulls a ring out of his pocket and reaches around behind his back with his fins.

BILBO (Klaus)

I regret to tell you this is the

end. I'm leaving now. By the way,

you all suck!

Bilbo tries to put on the ring but it won't go on his fin since he has no fingers. The audience is staring at him in disbelief.

BILBO (Klaus)

(to himself)

Oh dear, they're all staring at me. Awkward...

He still tries to get the ring on to no avail.

BILBO (Klaus)

Oh damn!...Hey everybody look over

there.

Bilbo points behind the crowd. Everyone turns to look. Bilbo turns and jumps into the water and swims away. The crowd turns back and gasps.

HOBBIT

(sounding like a dumbass)

Where did he go? It's like he

disappeared into thin air.

EXT – BAG END – NIGHT

The camera follows an "invisible" person along the road, up the steps and onto the front porch of BAG END. The camera stops then Bilbo catches up and comes into view, completely visible. He enters BAG END.

INT – BAG END

Bilbo, singing a German polka song, wanders into his living room. Gandalf is standing by the fireplace.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

I suppose you think that was pretty

goddamn funny do you?

Bilbo is startled.

BILBO (Klaus)

Oh Gandalf, you startled me.

GANDALF (Herbert)

There are many magic rings in this

world Bilbo. Earrings, navel rings,

cock rings, none of which are to be

taken lightly...especially that

last one.

BILBO (Klaus)

Oh get over it. I have to get

packing. My elvish tour group

is almost here.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Are you leaving the ring to Frodo?

BILBO (Klaus)

Yes, yes. He gets it all, the house,

the car, the ring, everything.

Bilbo grabs his suitcase and begins to walk out.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Bilbo. Where's the ring?

BILBO (Klaus)

It's on the mantle.

GANDALF (Herbert)

No its not you lying sack o'turtle

poop.

Bilbo pauses and searches his pocket.

BILBO (Klaus)

Yes...yes...here it is.

Bilbo slowly, reluctantly, places it on the mantle then turns and heads outside.

EXT – BAG END - NIGHT

A tour bus pulls up. It's filled with Elvis impersonators.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

The side of the bus says Elvis Tours with a banner on it saying Vegas or Bust.

BILBO (Klaus)

What's this? I ordered the elvish

tour not the Elvis tour. Come on,

my accent isn't that bad. I want

to go to Rivendell not Las Vegas.

BUS DRIVER

Look buddy, we're on a schedule.

Are you on or not?

Bilbo pauses then sighs.

BILBO (Klaus)

Fine. Anything to get me out of

here. I'm not much more than a

cameo anyways.

Bilbo climbs onto the bus and it drives away.

INT – BAG END – LIVING ROOM

Gandalf is sitting by the fire, smoking.

INT – BAG END – FRONT DOOR

Frodo comes barging in. Frodo sniffs the air.

FRODO (Stewie)

That doesn't smell like tobacco.

Bilbo! Uncle Bilbo! Are you here?

INT – BAG END – LIVING ROOM

Frodo enters the living room.

GANDALF (Herbert)

No, Frodo, I'm afraid he's gone.

But he's left Bag End to you along

with all his possessions.

FRODO (Stewie)

Really? Well about friggin' time.

Frodo grabs a can of paint and begins spraying the walls in what color he'd like them painted in.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

Change this to blue...

He walks over to another wall.

FRODO (Stewie)

...if I knock this wall out, I

can bring in a pool table, maybe

a pinball machine.

He stops for a moment.

FRODO (Stewie)

You know, maybe I should wait and

bring in one of those modern funky

decorators.

CUT TO: BAG END – REDECORATED

The interior is a ghastly mix of modern color, textures and furniture. Frodo is sitting on a chair, staring bug eyed around the room.

INT – BAG END – LIVING ROOM

Frodo gives his head a shake.

FRODO (Stewie)

Maybe I'll hold off for a little

while.

GANDALF

Bilbo also left you his ring.

FRODO (Stewie)

The ring?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Yes, but keep it hidden. I don't

want anyone else to know about it

until I've had it analyzed.

On the table a fax machine prints out a report. Gandalf picks it up and reads it. Across the top is marked "Department of Homeland Security" and the note reads "Ring = Bad".

GANDALF (Herbert)

Dear oh dear, this isn't good.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

What is it Gandalf?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Frodo, I need you to take this

ring to Rivendell.

FRODO (Stewie)

What? Screw that. I'm staying home

to watch the Lakers game tomorrow.

Take it yourself.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I can't. This ring is the one ring

of the dark lord. His evil minions

will be searching for it. I must

consult with another of my order

to figure out what to do with it.

I need you to do this.

Outside the open window, the bushes rustle.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Get down!

Frodo drops to the floor. Gandalf approaches the window and whacks something out side with his staff.

SAM (Brian) O.S.

Ow!

Gandalf grabs SAM out of the bushes, pulls him into Bag End and lays him out on the table.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Samwise Gamgee! Have you been

eavesdropping?

SAM (Brian)

No. I just took a poop in the

garden and was trying to bury it

when you whacked me on the head.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Oh...sorry about that. I have a

task for you Sam. I want you to

go with Frodo. Make your way to

Bree. I'll meet you at the inn of

the Waltzing Donkey.

Gandalf exits.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

You know, I have a feeling this is

going to be like one of those road

episodes we used to do, except a

really, really long one.

SAM (Brian)

You're probably right. We better

get going.

EXT – FOREST - DAY

Sam and Frodo are walking along the edge of a corn field. MERRY and PIPPIN come blundering out of the corn field and smash into them. They are carrying cakes and pies which go everywhere.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Frodo. Look Merry, it's Frodo

Baggins.

MERRY (Meg)

Jeez Pippin, look at our stuff,

it's all ruined.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Can't you find something else to

complain about?

MERRY (Meg)

Well how about the fact that I'm

a girl having to play a guy. What's

the deal with that?

PIPPIN (Chris)

Considering you weren't even in

the Star Wars spoofs, I'd consider

myself damn lucky to be involved

with this one so I suggest you

shut up and go with it.

FRODO (Stewie)

Aren't you supposed to be stealing

Farmer Maggot's crops?

PIPPIN (Chris)

Farmer Maggot? All he has are

vegetables. Naw, we knocked off

the bakery instead. Where are you

two going?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

Gandalf wants us to go to Bree.

MERRY (Meg)

Can we come?

Pippin looks at Merry with disdain.

PIPPIN (Chris)

You're really pushing it aren't ya?

MERRY (Meg)

Shhh...I saw this, we're supposed

to go with him.

FRODO (Stewie)

Sure, I mean the more the merrier

right?

PIPPIN (Chris)

Okay, but shouldn't we tell someone

what we're doing? I already skipped

two days of work this week. If I

don't show up tomorrow, my boss is

gonna be pissed.

SAM (Brian)

Trust me, nobody will notice we're

gone.

EXT – FOREST ROAD - DAY

A group of dark riders pulls up to an Amber Alert sign with the faces of the hobbits on it.

WITCHKING (Death)

Damn, they've wandered off. Alright,

everybody split up. First one to

find and kill them gets an extra

fifty in their Christmas bonus.

BLACK RIDER ONE

Christmas? I thought we didn't

celebrate Christmas.

BLACK RIDER TWO

No you're thinking of Narnia.

EXT – ISENGARD - DAY

Gandalf and SARUAMN are strolling through Isengard.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

So...the ring of power has been

found at last.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Yes, I can't believe it's been

right under my nose this whole

time.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Maybe if you didn't spend so much

time hanging around playgrounds,

you might have found it sooner.

GANDALF (Herbert)

What's that supposed to mean?

SARUMAN (Bullock)

You know damn well what it means.

I've seen the security tapes.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Them's fightin' words.

Gandalf draws up his staff and shoots a bolt of lightning at Saruman. Saruman deflects it and shoots back his own. An exchange of magic spells ensues with neither party getting the upper hand. Saruman then leaps overtop of Gandalf, landing behind him and uses his staff like a martial artist, hitting Gandalf on the head, knocking him to the ground unconscious.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

I'll bet they didn't teach you

that move at Hogwarts.

EXT – DIRT ROAD - DAY

The four hobbits are skipping along the road.

FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN, MERRY

Oh we're off to see the wizard, the

wonderful wizard of Bree.

Suddenly a black rider appears in front of them.

BLACK RIDER ONE

Halt! Who goes there?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

The four hobbits stop.

BLACK RIDER ONE

I'm looking for four hobbits with

a ring. Are you them?

There is an awkward moment as the hobbits look at each other, waiting for the black rider to clue in.

FRODO (Stewie)

I'm afraid not my good man. As

You can clearly see, we are three

hobbits and a dog. Now if you'll

excuse us, we have to get our ring

to Bree.

BLACK RIDER ONE

Okay, you can pass.

The four hobbits continue on their way. The black rider clues in.

BLACK RIDER ONE

Hey! You are them. Come back here.

MERRY (Meg)

Run!

The four hobbits begin sprinting down the road.

EXT – FERRY LANDING - DAY

The four hobbits make a run for the river ferry. They jump onto the raft and start pushing it into the river. The black rider gallops up to the edge where the HORSE screeches to a stop, puts its toe in the water then pulls it out quickly.

HORSE

Oh that's cold. I'm not going in

there. If you want him, you can

get off and swim.

EXT – BREE – THE WALTZING DONKEY - NIGHT

The hobbits arrive at the Waltzing Donkey and go inside. The sign outside is a wildly dancing, drunken donkey.

INT – WALTZING DONKEY FRONT DESK

The hobbits approach the front desk where BUTTERBURR, the manager is sitting.

BUTTERBURR (Horace)

Can I help you little masters?

SAM (Brian)

We'd like a room for the night

please.

FRODO (Stewie)

And can you tell us what room

Gandalf is in?

BUTTERBURR (Horace)

Gandalf? Who's that?

FRODO (Stewie)

Tall fellow, pointy hat. You've

probably seen him hanging around

the playgrounds.

BUTTERBURR (Horace)

Sorry, ain't seen him in months.

PIPPIN (Chris)

So what do we do now?

SAM (Brian)

Well I don't know about you three

but I'm getting a drink. Wonder

what kind of martinis they have

here?

INT – WALTZING DONKEY BAR

The hobbits are sitting around a table. Sam is the only one drinking.

PIPPIN (Chris)

I'm hungry.

SAM (Brian)

Here...

Sam takes the olive out of his martini.

SAM (Brian)

...eat this.

Pippin takes it and gobbles it down.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

PIPPIN (Chris)

That's not gonna fill me up.

SAM (Brian)

Well I guess we're just gonna

have to order some more then.

Barkeep!

FRODO (Stewie)

Can I have one of those?

SAM (Brian)

Think you can handle it?

FRODO (Stewie)

Only one way to find out.

CUT TO:

Frodo is dancing wildly onstage. He begins stripping and dancing around a stripper pole. He slips and falls, the ring bouncing up out of his pocket. It comes down on his finger and he disappears.

FRODO POV

The room is dark and grey. Broccoli crowns begin appearing. They have faces and small arms and begin approaching Frodo menacingly. Frodo struggles and pulls the ring off his finger.

CUT TO:

The ring comes off as Frodo reappears and is grabbed by ARAGORN.

INT – WALTZING DONKEY BEDROOM

The door flings open. Aragorn drags Frodo in and throws him on the bed.

FRODO (Stewie)

Whew, you're only a stranger.

For a moment I thought you were

Gandalf and I was in trouble.

ARAGORN (Peter)

You are in trouble. That's no

trinket you wear.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

How do you know what I'm wearing?

Did you peek at me when I passed

out?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Look Stewie, er Frodo, we don't

have much time. The Nazgul, them

guys in black, they're after you

and the ring. Gandalf's not here,

probably got arrested, so I'm

taking you to Rivendell. Got it?

FRODO (Stewie)

Got it.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Good, now let's go find your little

friends and get out of here.

FRODO (Stewie)

Wait a sec. What's your name?

ARAGORN (Peter)

I'm Aragorn, but you can call me

Strider.

FRODO (Stewie)

Strider? What kind of name is that?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Got me. What the hell kind of name

is Frodo?

FRODO (Stewie)

Point taken. Let's go.

EXT – THE WILDS - DAY

Aragorn is leading the little group through the wilds.

SAM (Brian)

Where's he taking us?

ARAGORN (Peter)

To Rivendell Master Gamgee, to

the house of Elrond.

MERRY (Meg)

Hear that? We're going to see the

elves.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

That's not your line, its mine.

MERRY (Meg)

Ya but I haven't spoken in awhile.

SAM (Brian)

Keep it up and you won't be

speaking anymore.

INT – ISENGARD

Saruman is sitting at his desk, doing some paperwork. His PHONE RINGS. He answers it.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Hello, Saruman here.

OPERATOR

We have a collect call from...

A deep sinister voice cuts in...SAURON.

SAURON (O.S.)

Sauron.

OPERATOR

Do you accept the charges?

SARUMAN (Bullock)

(muttering to himself)

The guy owns the entire southeast

of Middle-earth but he's too cheap

to call direct.

(speaking normally)

Yes operator I'll accept the

charges.

SAURON (O.S.)

Build me an army.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Build you an army? Wouldn't it be

easier just to go rent one for a

few days? I know where you can get

some al Qaeda guys for five dollars

a day.

SAURON (O.S.)

I said BUILD me an army.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SARUMAN

Out of what? All I have is dirt

and mud around here.

SAURON (O.S.)

Good enough. Have a nice day.

Sauron hangs up. Saruman hangs up the receiver.

SARUMAN

I wonder how pissed he'd be if I

sent him an invoice for this?

EXT – WEATHERTOP - DUSK

ARAGORN (Peter)

We're going to camp here for the

night.

Aragorn pulls a roll of toilet paper out of his bag.

ARAGORN (Peter)

You guys get things setup, I gotta

go hang out behind a tree. Oh ya,

there's some extra swords in my bag

if you need them.

Aragorn laughs knowingly then heads off into the woods.

MERRY (Meg)

What did he mean hang out behind

a tree?

SAM (Brian)

It's a guy thing.

MERRY (Meg)

Oh...

EXT – WEATHERTOP – NIGHT

Frodo is sleeping. He is awakened by a CRACKLING FIRE. Merry, Pippin and Sam are cooking over it.

FRODO (Stewie)

You fucking idiots! What are you

doing?

PIPPIN (Chris)

We're making smores. You want one?

Frodo jumps up and attempts to stomp out the fire.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

Put it out you fools.

Away in the dark, the SCREAM OF THE BLACK RIDERS cuts through the air.

FRODO (Stewie)

My god they're coming for us.

Where's Aragorn?

PIPPIN (Chris)

He's not back yet.

FRODO (Stewie)

Not back yet? Wow, you'd think

living in the woods would provide

him with enough fiber in his diet.

SAM (Brian)

Quick, get the swords.

The four hobbits grab the swords out of the bag. Frodo, Sam and Pippin each have a proper sword, Merry has a butter knife.

MERRY (Meg)

What the hell man?

The hobbits form a circle. The black riders appear. The WITCHKING steps forward menacingly.

WITCHKING (Death)

Give me the ring.

FRODO (Stewie)

We haven't got the ring.

WITCHKING (Death)

Foolish halfling, don't play games

with me.

FRODO (Stewie)

Wait a minute. Take off your hood.

WITCHKING (Death)

What?

FRODO (Stewie)

Take off your hood.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

WITCHKING (Death)

I don't want to.

FRODO (Stewie)

Death? Is that you?

The rider pulls black his black hood to reveal yet another black hood...Death.

WITCHKING (Death)

Ya it's me. You got a problem?

FRODO (Stewie)

Frankly I was just wondering why

they were bringing in guest stars.

WITCHKING (Death)

To tell the truth, things have been

a little slow for me lately what

with America pulling out of the

Middle East and all. So I thought

I'd make a few bucks on the side

doing this acting thing. Turns out

it's not that hard.

Death pulls his hood back over his head and his voice becomes menacing.

WITCHKING (Death)

Now give me the ring.

Frodo hides behind the other three hobbits.

FRODO (Stewie)

Help! You have to protect me.

WITCHKING (Death)

Give me the ring or I'll kill you

all.

The other three hobbits push Frodo out in front of them.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Here. You want him, take him. He's

all yours.

FRODO (Stewie)

Oh you're dead, you hear me. You're

all fucking dead!

The Witchking draws back his sword, lunges and stabs Frodo in the shoulder.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Frodo cries out as he falls to the ground. Suddenly a SCREAM cuts the air. Aragorn jumps into the fray wielding his sword, a flaming torch and his pants around his ankles. Aragorn swings wildly, driving away all the black riders save one. Aragorn turns and stares at the rider. They both move towards each other, challenging one another. Aragorn quickly turns, bends over, holds the torch to his ass and blows out a giant fireball which lights the black rider on fire. The burning rider runs off into the woods.

SAM (Brian)

Aragorn, where've you been all

this time?

ARAGORN (Peter)

(pulling his pants up)

I was busy. I was only halfway

through the crossword puzzle.

MERRY (Meg)

Aragorn, its Frodo, he's been

stabbed.

ARAGORN

Naw, he'll be fine. Just get him

to walk it off.

MERRY (Meg)

No I think he's really hurt bad.

Can't you do something?

Aragorn pulls a bandage out of his pocket.

ARAGORN

Okay whatever, here's a band-aid.

Aragorn lies down.

ARAGORN

Night, see you in the morning.

Aragorn begins snoring.

EXT – OUTSIDE RIVENDELL - DAY

The party has arrived at the gates of Rivendell. Pippin is dragging the near lifeless body of Frodo along the ground. ELROND appears at the gate.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ELROND (Adam West)

Aragorn, my wandering child, how

good to see you again.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Ya ya, blah, blah, blah, hey is

your daughter around?

ELROND (Adam West)

I...I believe she's by the waterfall.

ARAGORN (Peter)

(slyly)

The waterfall...perfect.

SAM (Brian)

Ahem.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Oh...these are some hobbits Gandalf

wanted me to help out. One of them's

sick. I think its mono or something.

Can you help him out? Thanks.

Aragorn turns and waves to the hobbits.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Catch you guys later.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Master Elrond, do you think you can

help Frodo?

ELROND (Adam West)

I'll get my best elf on it right

away.

Elrond turns and calls for his doctor.

ELROND (Adam West)

Bones!

In walks SPOCK from Star Trek TOS. He is in his Starfleet uniform, ears and all.

ELROND (Adam West)

I called for Dr. McCoy.

SPOCK (Leonard Nimoy)

Yes but since I'm the one with the

pointed ears, it just seemed more

appropriate.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ELROND (Adam West)

Never mind, I'll do it myself.

INT – RIVENDELL INFIRMARY

The hobbits lift Frodo onto an examining table. Elrond puts on a rubber glove and snaps it.

ELROND (Adam West)

Let's pull his pants down and have

a look.

SAM (Brian)

But his wound is in his shoulder.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Shutup Sam. He's the healer not you.

Let him do his job.

Frodo sits up.

FRODO (Stewie)

Gandalf? What are you doing here?

Why the hell didn't you meet us in

Bree?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Saruman imprisoned me in his tower

then started making an army of his

own.

FRODO (Stewie)

How did you escape?

GANDALF (Herbert)

A giant eagle rescued me. It's not

important. What matters is I'm here

now, helping Master Elrond with your

wound.

Frodo jumps off the bed and pulls his pants up.

FRODO (Stewie)

Fuck that. I'm feeling much better

now. Thanks Elrond.

(To the other hobbits)

FRODO (Stewie)

Let's get the hell out of here.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ELROND (Adam West)

You can't go Frodo. We haven't had

our meeting yet.

FRODO (Stewie)

What meeting?

ELROND (Adam West)

We have to decide what to do with

the ring. The fate of all

Middle-earth is at hand.

PIPPIN (Chris)

I hope they have donuts.

EXT – RIVENDELL – COUNCIL OF ELROND - DAY

Frodo, Gandalf, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, BOROMIR, Aragorn and Elrond are all sitting in a circle.

ELROND (Adam West)

When I call your name, say present

or here. Frodo.

FRODO (Stewie)

Here.

ELROND (Adam West)

Gandalf.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Here.

ELROND (Adam West)

Aragorn.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Preeeezzent.

ELROND (Adam West)

Smarten up Peter. Legolas.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Giggety-giggety.

ELROND (Adam West)

What was that?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Elvish.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ELROND (Adam West)

I'm an elf too you know and trust

me, that wasn't elvish.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Fine. Here.

ELROND (Adam West)

Gimli.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Here.

ELROND (Adam West)

Boromir

Boromir just sits in his chair, sulking.

ELROND (Adam West)

BOROMIR.

BOROMIR (Stan)

(irritated)

HERE.

Boromir turns to Aragorn.

BOROMIR (Stan)

It's not fair. I should have been

Aragorn, not you.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Why's that?

BOROMIR (Stan)

Why? Just look at you for crying

out loud. You're fat, you're lazy,

and from what I've seen, you're

kinda stupid. Me on the other hand,

I'm in great shape and my mind is

like a razor. Sharp.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Ya well maybe when your show's been

on as long as mine, you'll get to

be the hero. In the meantime, suck

it up douchebag.

ELROND (Adam West)

Ahem, gentlemen, if you don't mind?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Aragorn and Boromir stop talking and pay attention to Elrond.

ELROND (Adam West)

We are gathered here to decide what

to do with the ring of power. Does

anybody have any ideas?

Prolonged silence.

ELROND (Adam West)

Great. I'm surrounded by morons.

Okay here's what we're going to

do. The ring must be destroyed.

And to do that, it must be dropped

in the volcano where it was made.

So who's going to volunteer to do

it?

FRODO (Stewie)

Why don't we just get one of those

giant eagles that saved Gandalf

to fly it to Mordor and drop it

into the volcano?

ELROND (Adam West)

No.

FRODO (Stewie)

But all we have to...

ELROND (Adam West)

(interrupting)

No.

FRODO (Stewie)

But...

ELROND (Adam West)

(interrupting)

NO.

Silence.

ELROND (Adam West)

So do we have any volunteers?

FRODO (Stewie)

I still think we...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ELROND (Adam West)

(interrupting)

Frodo's volunteering. All those

in favor?

Everyone at the council except Frodo quickly raises their right hand.

EVERYONE

Aye.

ELROND (Adam West)

Opposed?

FRODO (Stewie)

(faintly)

Nay.

ELROND (Adam West)

The ayes have it, Frodo's taking

the ring to Mordor.

Everyone cheers and claps (except Frodo).

FRODO (Stewie)

FUCK!

ELROND (Adam West)

But since this is a long and

dangerous mission, I don't want

him going alone so all the rest

of you are going with him.

A chorus of curses follows.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

But I'm just here on vacation.

INT – RIVENDELL FORGE

An elf is re-forging Narsil. Elrond and Aragorn are watching. The elf pulls it out of the fire and plunges it into a tub of water then gives it to Aragorn.

ELROND (Adam West)

The shards of Narsil have been

re-forged. It shall now be called

Anduril, Flame of the West.

ARAGORN (Peter)

What? That's gay. I'm gonna call

it Mary Jane Rottencrotch.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ELROND (Adam West)

Mary Jane whose 'n what?

ARAGORN (Peter)

From Full Metal Jacket...

Aragorn slings the sword to his shoulder like a soldier marching with a rifle then begins marching and grabbing the sword and his crotch alternatively.

ARAGORN (Peter)

This is my rifle, this is my gun.

One's for fighting, one's for fun.

Elrond pulls out a cell phone and makes a call.

ELROND (Adam West)

Ya Vegas? What's the line on the

Fellowship versus Sauron?

He listens for a response.

ELROND (Adam West)

Great. Put a hundred on Sauron.

Elrond hangs up the phone and stares at Aragon.

ELROND (Adam West)

If we're going down, at least I

can make a few bucks on it.

EXT – BRIDGE BY WATERFALL - DAY

Arwen and Aragorn are meeting on the bridge.

ARAGORN (Peter)

So long babe, its time for me to

be hittin' the road.

ARWEN

Aragorn, do you remember when we

first met?

ARAGORN

Do I?

PAUSE

ARWEN

Well do you?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN

Oh...uh yeah.

ARWEN (Lois)

Long years have passed since then.

ARAGORN (Peter)

And you haven't aged a day since

then. Amazing what Botox can do.

ARWEN (Lois)

Do you remember what I said to

you?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Are you kidding? I can't even

remember what I had for breakfast.

CUT TO:

Aragorn is sitting at the table eating toast. An elvish waiter is standing beside the table.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Mmm...this is good. What is it?

WAITER

Toast.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Toast...huh...I'll have to remember

that.

CUT TO: BRIDGE BY WATERFALL

ARWEN (Lois)

Aragorn, I would rather share one

lifetime with you than face all

the ages of this world alone. I

would bind myself to you.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Bind yourself? Is that some kinky

thing Legolas taught you?

ARWEN (Lois)

Marry Aragorn, Marry! Here. I want

you to have this.

Arwen places her necklace in Aragorn's hand.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN (Peter)

Arwen, you can't give me this.

ARWEN (Lois)

It is mine to give to whom I will.

ARAGORN (Peter)

That's not what I mean. It's cubic

zirconia. It's fake. If you're

going to give me something, can't

you at least make it real? I mean

look at that fancy ring your dad

wears.

CUT TO:

Elrond's hand. A gold ring set with a sapphire is on it.

CAPTION: This is Vilya, one of the Rings of Power. Pretty nice eh? Elrond didn't even pay for it. Talk about a cheapskate.

EXT – BRIDGE BY WATERFALL - DAY

ARWEN (Lois)

It's the thought that counts. Now

take it.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Fine, I'll take it.

EXT – RIVENDELL COURTYARD - DAY

The Fellowship is preparing to leave.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Thank you for all your help Master

Elrond.

ELROND (Adam West)

My pleasure. Now has everybody gone

to the bathroom?

A CHORUS OF YES'S

ARAGORN (Peter)

I pooped too.

ELROND (Adam West)

Good, good. Have a safe trip. Good

luck in catching that leprechaun.

EXT – COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

The fellowship is plodding along.

PIPPIN (Chris)

So where exactly are we heading?

GANDALF (Herbert)

The gap of Rohan.

CUT TO:

The Gap store in Rohan.

CUT TO: COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

GANDALF (Herbert)

But we have to be careful. Saruman

has spies everywhere.

Gandalf notices a CROW dressed in an overcoat and big hat. The crow stares back intently, giving Gandalf the evil eye.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Damn, the gap is being watched.

Okay, we're climbing over the

mountain.

The fellowship turns and begins walking in the opposite direction. Suddenly a big dump of snow falls and covers the group completely. Gandalf pokes his head out of the snow.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Damn, the mountain is being watched.

Okay, we're going under the mountain.

EXT – MORIA DOOR - DAY

The Fellowship skirts along the edge of a pond as they approach the door into Moria.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Gimli, since this is the home of

your cousin Balin, you should be

able to open the door.

Gimli walks up and knocks on the door.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Hey, it's Gimli. Let me in.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

A STONE MOUTH appears in the door.

STONE MOUTH

Not by the hair of your chinny

chin chin.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

But I'm a dwarf, you have to let

me in.

STONE MOUTH

Yes but you're a black dwarf, only

white dwarfs are allowed in this

door. You have to go around to the

back.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Why you racist mother fucker!

Gimli pulls out his axe and beats the shit out of the door, breaking it down. He stops chopping and rests his axe on his shoulder.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Door's open.

Suddenly Merry screams.

MERRY (Meg)

Aauugggghhhhh...a monster!

Sitting on the edge of the swamp is a giant OCTOPUS, smoking a cigar and playing with a switchblade.

OCTOPUS

You ain't so hot yourself honey.

Now fuck off and leave me alone

before I kick your ass.

INT – MORIA

The fellowship enters Moria. It's completely dark. Gandalf fiddles with the end of his staff then pulls a chain and a small desk lamp on the end of it turns on. There are goblin bodies all over the floor along with lots of empty beer bottles and other party paraphernalia.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Wow. Are they dead or just passed

out?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

Shhh. It doesn't matter. We have

to be very quiet. Who knows what

else may be lurking in the dark?

INT – MORIA TUNNELS

The group plods on through the tunnels.

INT – MORIA THREE TUNNELS

The group stops in front of three tunnel entrances.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

What's wrong Gandalf?

GANDALF (Herbert)

I have no memory of this place.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Probably Alzheimer's.

Legolas snickers.

CUT TO: MORIA THREE TUNNELS

The group is sitting pondering their fate. Away in the dark they hear a DRINKEN VOICE SINGING.

FRODO (Stewie)

(panicky)

Gandalf, what's that?

GANDALF (Herbert)

It's Gollum.

CUT TO: MORIA CAVE

GOLLUM is swinging around wildly, clearly intoxicated, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Oh hit with your best shot. Fire

awaaaaayyyy. (Pat Benatar)

Gollum takes a big swig of Jack.

INT – MORIA THREE TUNNELS

FRODO (Stewie)

Gollum! What's he doing here?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Following the ring. His life is

tied to it. He will follow it

forever.

FRODO (Stewie)

Can't we get a restraining order

or something? You should know a

thing or two about those.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Gollum may have more to do with

this than you think before the end.

FRODO (Stewie)

Great. Like I don't have enough to

deal with already. Hurry up and

choose a door so we can get out

of here.

Three game show doors appear along with MONTY HALL.

MONTY HALL

So Gandalf which door will it be?

One of these doors will lead you

to freedom while the other two most

certainly have death behind them.

Will it be door number one? Door

number two? Or door number three?

The Fellowship begin randomly calling out ONE, TWO or THREE.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Number twelve, pick number twelve.

Boromir rolls his eyes.

BOROMIR (Stan)

Holy crap, are you ever an idiot.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I'll take door number two please.

CUT TO:

The fellowship is walking through a tunnel. They are all bloody and bruised.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

PIPPIN (Chris)

I guess third times the charm eh?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Hush up porky. We don't want to

attract any attention.

Merry pokes Pippin in the back.

MERRY (Meg)

Be quiet.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Stop touching me.

MERRY (Meg)

(pushing Pippin again)

Then be quiet.

PIPPIN (Chris)

I told you to stop touching me.

MERRY (Meg)

Shut up and get going.

PIPPIN (Chris)

(yelling)

Leave me alone!

GANDALF (Herbert)

For Christ's sake Pippin, would

you shut up already. The goblins

are going to hear you.

Off in the dark, DRUMS and GOBLINE SCREAMS are heard. Gimli sees a room off to the side.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Come on, we can hide in there.

INT – MORIA – BALIN'S TOMB

The fellowship runs into a room. Aragorn and Boromir barricade the door. Aragorn finds a giant wooden padlock.

ARAGORN

Here. This'll hold them.

Aragorn padlocks the door closed. A giant pair of wooden bolt cutters comes through the crack between the doors and cuts right through it. The door breaks down.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

In stream a group of orcs. The Fellowship prepares for battle. Suddenly Boromir appears in a CIA black op suit. He whips around the room killing all the orcs. When he's done, he confronts Aragorn and stares him down.

BOROMIR (Stan)

That's how a REAL warrior does it.

Chump.

A ROAR is heard outside the door. Boromir looks outside.

BOROMIR (Stan)

They have a cave troll.

In through the door bursts the GIANT CHICKEN as a cave troll. Aragorn pushes Boromir out of the way.

ARAGORN (Peter)

A real warrior eh? I'll take care

of this.

Aragorn/Cave Troll fight. Aragorn wins.

BOROMIR (Stan)

Does it always take you that long?

That's just incompetent.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Come on. Let's get out of here.

INT – MORIA - DWARROWDELF

The Fellowship runs through the columns of the dwarf city. They become surrounded by goblins and stop. The goblins are dressed as the various gangs from The Warriors. A goblin steps forward, dressed in a three piece suit and a New York Italian accent.

GOBLIN

Hey. Where do you think you're

going? You think you can just walk

through our turf without paying?

Do we come into your house and

disrespect you? Do we?

GANDALF(Herbert)

We were...

GOBLIN

Shut up old man, I didn't say you

could talk to me. Time for you to

pay.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

The goblins pull out switchblades, baseballs bats, broken beer bottles...Suddenly, away in the dark, a ROAR is heard. The goblins begin to scatter.

BOROMIR (Stan)

What is it? What's happening?

GOBLIN

It's the Godfather!

ARAGORN (Peter)

The Godfather? Hey cool, maybe

he's bringing us some pizza.

The goblins disappear. Gandalf closes his eyes and focuses on the hidden creature. He opens his eyes.

GANDALF (Herbert)

This foe is too great for any of

you. Run!

The Fellowship turn and run.

INT – MORIA – BRIDGE

The fellowship streams over the bridge. Gandalf takes a stand on the middle of the bridge. The BALROG appears and steps onto the bridge. Gandalf raises his staff.

GANDALF (Herbert)

You shall not pass.

Gandalf brings his staff down weakly onto the bridge with no effect.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Damn, I forgot to take my vitamins

this morning.

The Balrog raises its arm holding a whip and prepares to strike Gandalf.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Oh shit...

Frodo pulls a rocket launcher out of his backpack and holds it on his shoulder.

FRODO (Stewie)

I knew this would come in handy

sometime.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Frodo launches the rocket, destroying the bridge. The Balrog and Gandalf fall into the chasm.

SAM (Brian)

Smooth move Ex-lax, you just cost

us our wizard.

FRODO (Stewie)

Sorry but he was kinda creeping me

out anyways.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Come on ladies, we have to make it

to Lothlorien before dark.

The Fellowship runs out of Moria.

EXT – MEADOW BESIDE FOREST - DAY

The Fellowship runs through the grass and approaches the forest.

EXT – LOTHLORIEN - DAY

As they walk through the forest, they come upon a hotel. LOTHLORI INN. The door opens and out pops GALADRIEL, the innkeeper.

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Hello Aragorn. Nice to see you

again.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Hello Lady Galadriel.

BOROMIR (Stan)

Wow, get a load of her. I was

beginning to think there weren't

any women in Middle-earth.

MERRY (Meg)

Hey!

SAM (Brian)

Shut up, you're a guy. Remember?

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Come on in boys. Make yourselves

at home. Where's Gandalf?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Alas, he has fallen.

GALADRIEL (Francine)

What? And he can't get up? He

probably needs a hip replacement

at his age.

GIMLI

No my lady, he's dead.

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Well I guess that shouldn't come

as a shock. He was getting pretty

old. Or did he get shot by

somebody's parents?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

He was killed in Moria by a Balrog.

FRODO (Stewie)

Ya the Balrog got him, that's it.

GALADRIEL

Too bad. I've got your rooms all

made up. Each of you has his own

room. You hobbits are in bunk beds.

FRODO (Stewie)

Bunk beds? Oh yay! I call the top.

SAM (Brian)

No you don't.

FRODO (Stewie)

Why the hell not?

SAM (Brian)

Because I'm not sleeping under

anyone who still wears a diaper.

CUT TO:

Picture of astronaut Lisa Nowak

INT – LOTHLORI INN BEDROOM

Frodo and Sam are sleeping, Frodo is in the bottom bunk. Galadriel walks by. Frodo awakes, gets out of bed and follows her.

EXT – LOTHLORIEN ALCOVE - NIGHT

Galadriel enters the alcove, undresses and gets into a tub filled with water. Frodo follows and stands by the edge of the tub.

GALADRIEL (Francine)

This is the mirror of Galadriel.

Would you like to look into it?

FRODO (Stewie)

What will I see?

GALADRIEL (Francine)

That I cannot say, for the mirror

shows many things.

FRODO (Stewie)

Ya what the hell.

Frodo sticks his face under the water.

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Hey!

Galadriel panics, grabs Frodo's head and holds it underwater. Frodo struggles and breaks free. He takes a few steps back, gasping for air.

FRODO (Stewie)

Stay away from me you crazy bitch!

GALADRIEL (Francine)

You little pervert. You were trying

to spy on me while I'm having a

bath.

FRODO (Stewie)

Spy on you? You said to look in the

mirror?

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Ya the mirror over there!

Galadriel points to an ornate mirror hanging on a nearby tree.

FRODO (Stewie)

Oh...sorry. But still, that's no

reason to try and kill me.

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Listen buster, you live as long as

I have, you learn not to take

chances.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

Really? How long have you lived for?

GALADRIEL (Francine)

I'm over eight thousand years old.

FRODO (Stewie)

Wow...nice job keeping the breasts

up.

EXT – SHORE OF THE ANDUIN - DAY

The Fellowship is loading into boats.

The boats are named TITANIC, LUSITANIA and SS MINNOW. Galadriel gives the hobbits some bread wrapped in leaves.

GALADRIEL

Here's some elvish waybread. One

small bite will feed you for a day.

MERRY (Meg)

Thanks.

Merry takes the bread and leans over to Pippin.

MERRY (Meg)

How many did you eat?

PIPPIN (Chris)

Four.

MERRY (Meg)

(to Galadriel)

What are they made of?

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Fermented worms and flour made

from dried bird poop.

Pippin vomits profusely. Galadriel walks over to Frodo.

GALADRIEL

Sorry about the misunderstanding

last night Frodo. You're the first

Ewoks I've ever met.

FRODO (Stewie)

Ewoks? We're not Ewoks, we're

hobbits.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Hobbits, Ewoks. I can't keep them

straight. They're both short with

hairy feet.

FRODO (Stewie)

Good lord, what does Stan see in

her?

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Here is the light of Earendil.

Galadriel hands Frodo a glow in the dark condom.

FRODO (Stewie)

Earendil's light was a glow in the

dark condom?

GALADRIEL (Francine)

It's kind of a double entendre.

Beside, just because we're immortal

doesn't mean we can't catch

diseases. Just ask Legolas about

his three thousand year old itch.

CUT TO:

Legolas is scratching his ass on a tree trunk.

EXT – SHORE OF THE ANDUIN - DAY

Galadriel hands Sam a length of rope.

GALADRIEL (Francine)

Here's some elvish rope for you

Sam. Try not to choke yourself

with it. And Legolas, here's a

bow made of pussywillow.

ARAGORN (Peter) (O.S.)

(laughs)

GALADRIEL (Francine)

I tried to make you one out of

cherrywood but it kept breaking.

EXT – FLOATING DOWN THE ANDUIN - DAY

Legolas and Gimli are riding in a boat together.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

So Gimli, what did Galadriel give

you?

GIMLI (Cleveland)

I asked her for a single strand of

her golden hair. She gave me three.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Ya I got a few of those.

GIMLI (Cleaveland)

She gave you some hair as well as

that bow?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

No, I snuck into her bathroom and

found some on her toilet seat.

Giggety-giggety.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

You're one sick mother fucker.

EXT – ISENGARD MINING PIT - DAY

Saruman is talking to LURTZ at the top of the mining pit. Below a small army of URUKS is waiting.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Do you know how the orcs came

into being? A bunch of drunken

elves had a frat party one night

with the Omega Moo's and nine

months later, orcs started popping

out. They've been breeding like

rabbits ever since.

Saruman turns to the Uruk-hai army.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

One of the hairy midgets carries

something of great value. Bring

them to me, alive and unspoiled.

In other words, I expect them to

be breathing and still have their

pants on. Kill the others. You

will taste man flesh.

URUK (Greg)

Ooh, man flesh. I like the sound

of that.

The Uruk army thunders out of the pit.

EXT – RIVER ANDUIN - DAY

Aragorn is paddling a boat with Sam and Frodo in it. Aragorn sees something up ahead, taps Frodo on the shoulder and points.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Look Frodo, the Argonath. The kings

of old.

Two giant stone figures, standing on either side of the river, each with an arm extended, flipping the bird to anyone coming downstream.

EXT – CAMPSITE ON THE SHORE - DAY

Everyone is hanging around the campsite.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

...and so the bartender says "I

thought that was your other finger."

Gimli and Pippin laugh.

FRODO (Stewie)

Oh god. I have to get away from

these people.

Frodo walks off into the forest. Merry comes back with a load of firewood and drops it by the fire. He looks around the campsite.

MERRY (Meg)

Where's Frodo?

Everyone looks around.

ARAGORN (Peter)

He was just here a minute ago.

Everybody fan out and find him.

Sam is sitting on a log, drinking a martini and reading Gore Verbinski.

SAM (Brian)

I'll just wait here in case he

comes back.

EXT – WOODS - DAY

Frodo is walking along when he trips over a stick and tumbles into a bush.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

BOROMIR (Stan)

Hey, watch where you're going.

Boromir comes out from behind the bush.

BOROMIR

Jeez, can't a guy have a little

privacy?

FRODO (Stewie)

Sorry, I just needed to get away

by myself for a bit.

BOROMIR (Stan)

I have to agree with you on that

one. Those people are driving me

nuts.

FRODO (Stewie)

The only one I can stand is the

dog, and he still rubs me the

wrong way on some occasions.

BOROMIR (Stan)

Listen, Frodo, why don't we go

to my city, just the two of us?

Leave these losers behind.

FRODO (Stewie)

I can't do that. I promised to

destroy the ring and that's what

I must do.

BOROMIR (Stan)

No you didn't. You got tricked

into coming on this quest. Give

me the ring and you can go home.

I promise I won't tell the others.

FRODO (Stewie)

No! Get away from me.

Boromir lunges at Frodo. Frodo puts on the ring and disappears.

BOROMIR (Stan)

You don't think that's actually

going to work do you. Ha!

Boromir pulls out a pair of heat vision goggles and puts them on.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

BOROMIR POV

Everything is dark blue. Boromir scans around then focuses on a hot object right in front of him. It's Frodo with a big stick. Frodo belts Boromir in the face.

EXT – RUINS - DAY

Frodo hides behind a ruin and takes off the ring. A hand grabs him from behind. Frodo screams. It's Aragorn.

FRODO (Stewie)

Fuck, would you please stop doing

that to me! You're going to give

me a heart attack.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Hey buddy what's up?

FRODO (Stewie)

Aragorn, Boromir tried to get the

ring. I've made up my mind. I have

to go to Mordor alone.

ARAGORN (Peter)

You know I would have gone with you,

to the very fires of Mount Doom.

FRODO (Stewie)

You would?

Aragorn laughs.

ARAGORN (Peter)

No, I'm just jerking your chain. I

got no plans on going anywhere near

that place.

Suddenly growls are heard coming up behind them. It's the Uruks.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Run Frodo, run.

Aragorn draws his sword and faces the army.

ARAGON (Peter)

Alright bitches. Come to papa...

ha...ha...I said come.

Aragorn plunges into the crowd of Uruks, swinging his sword wildly.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

LURTZ

Find the midgets.

URUK (Greg)

Oh that's not very PC of you.

LURTZ

Very well. Find the dwarfs.

URUK (Greg)

Try again.

LURTZ

Shortasses?

URUK (Greg)

Nope.

LURTZ

Just shut up and find the little

fuckers!

EXT – WOODS - DAY

Frodo is running along through the trees. Suddenly Merry and Pippin pop up from the bushes.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Quick Frodo, hide in here with us.

Frodo stops running. An Uruk jumps out in front of him and grabs him.

FRODO (Stewie)

Help!

PIPPIN (Chris)

We've have to do something.

MERRY (Meg)

Wait here. I have an idea.

Merry jumps out and lifts his (her) top. The Uruk stares for a moment then bursts out laughing. He drops Frodo. Frodo stands up and turns to thank Merry.

FRODO (Stewie)

Thanks Merry. I...auugggghhh.

Frodo covers his eyes, turns and runs away. The Uruk realizes what happened, stops laughing and grabs Merry and Pippin.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

He starts carrying them through the woods. A warrior scream is heard. Boromir drops out of the tree and knocks out the Uruk. He pulls out his sword and begins fighting with an oncoming horde of Uruk-hai. He fights but he's not killing any of them.

BOROMIR (Stan)

Oh screw this.

Boromir drops his sword and pulls out a gun. He begins shooting and dropping Uruks like flies. He runs out of bullets and goes to reload. He gets hit with an arrow. Lurtz appears with a bow. He quickly sticks two more arrows into Boromir who collapses. Another Uruk grabs Merry and Pippin and takes them away.

EXT – CAMPSITE ON THE SHORE - DAY

Frodo comes back into the campsite. He sees Sam still reading.

FRODO (Stewie)

Sam, what are you still doing

here? Why aren't you helping the

others fight?

Sam looks up startled.

SAM (Brian)

Uh...hi...I was...guarding the

camp, just in case we were...

attacked...by...lake...monsters.

Frodo grabs a boat and begins to push it out.

SAM (Brian)

Where are you going?

FRODO (Stewie)

To Mordor.

SAM (Brian)

Okay, have a nice trip.

FRODO (Stewie)

You're coming with me.

SAM (Brian)

I am?

FRODO (Stewie)

Wouldn't be much of a road show

if you didn't now would it.

EXT – WOODS - DAY

Lurtz approaches Boromir, lying mortally wounded. He strings another arrow in his bow and draws it back.

LURTZ

I know what you're thinking. "Did

he fire six arrows or only five?"

Well, in all this excitement I kind

of lost track myself. But being as

this is a .44 Magnum, the most

powerful bow in the world, and

would blow your head clean off,

you've got to ask yourself one

question. Do I feel lucky? Well

do ya punk?

DIRTY HARRY walks up to Lurtz and puts a gun to the side of Lurtz's head.

DIRTY HARRY (Clint Eastwood)

That's copyright infringement. So

go ahead, make my day.

Harry pulls the trigger and blows Lurtz's head off. Aragorn rushes to the fallen Boromir, stands beside him and stares down at Boromir's body. Aragorn kicks him in the ribs.

BOROMIR (Stan)

Ow.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Sorry I thought you might be

sleeping.

BOROMIR (Stan)

And that's why you kicked me?

ARAGORN (Peter)

No I kicked you because you've

been a douche this whole trip.

BOROMIR (Stan)

Get away from me you loser.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Ya fine with me shit for brains.

BOROMIR (Stan)

Up yours knob gobbler.

ARAGORN (Peter)

You're supposed to be dead right?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

BOROMIR (Stan)

Ya.

ARAGORN (Peter)

So you can't move?

BOROMIR (Stan)

I guess not.

Aragorn thinks for a moment then turns, drops his pants and farts in Boromir's face. Boromir flails around on the ground screaming.

BOROMIR (Stan)

My eyes, my eyes!

ARAGORN (Peter)

Maybe now you'll remember who's

the boss around here.

CUT TO:

Photo of Tony Danza and Judith Light.

EXT – CAMPSITE ON THE SHORE - DAY

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are watching Sam and Frodo on the far shore. Legolas grabs another boat and begins to push it into the water.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Whoa, hey what are you doing?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Following Frodo.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

You nuts? We're finally rid of

those killjoys, its just back to

us guys. Let's go have a beer at

the Intoxicated Shellfish.

ARAGORN (Peter)

No, we have to go after Merry and

Pippin. As annoying as I find the

little bastards, their mother

would kill me if I didn't try to

rescue them.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

How do you plan on following them?

You and Gimli aren't exactly

pictures of athletic ability.

We're never going to catch up

to them.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Who said anything about catching

up to them? Look.

Aragorn pulls a small electronic device from his pocket.

ARAGON (Peter)

I took this off Boromir when he

died. It's a CIA satellite tracking

system. We can just follow them on

this.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

(almost dreamily)

Wow, that Boromir was quite the guy

wasn't he?

Aragorn and Legolas stare at Gimli.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

You...didn't have a thing for him

did you? Not that there's anything

wrong with that.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

What? No, I didn't. What made you

think that?

ARAGORN (Peter)

It's just that we've never seen

any female dwarves is all. You

guys have to relieve your tension

somehow right?

GIMLI (Cleveland)

I hate you two.

Gimli storms off after the two hobbits.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Think we should go after him?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Ya we better. We might have to

protect the neighborhood sheep.

Aragorn and Legolas laugh then follow after Gimli.

EXT – EMYN MUIL - DAY

Sam and Frodo look out over the mountains into Mordor.

FRODO (Stewie)

There it is Sam. Mordor. The New

Jersey of Middle-earth. But at

least we're rid of those idiots

finally. I doubt we'll ever see

them again.

SAM (Brian)

We may Mr. Frodo, we may.

FRODO (Stewie)

God you're such a downer.

The two hobbits begin walking through the jagged rocks.

FADE OUT

THE END

"FAMILY GUY – LORD OF THE RINGS"

"The Two Towers"

by

Jeff Mitchell

Based on an original story by JRR Tolkien

and characters by Seth MacFarlane

November 2011

FADE IN

Opening montage of flying through the snow covered mountains. The camera approaches the side of the mountain but instead of passing through to the inside of Moria, a cameraman hanging from a rope smashes into the side of the mountain then slides down the mountainside.

INT – MORIA BRIDGE

GANDALF takes a stance on the middle of the bridge. The BALROG steps onto the bridge. Gandalf raises his staff.

GANDALF (Herbert)

You shall not pass.

Gandalf weakly brings his staff down into the bridge with no effect.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Damn, I forgot to take my vitamins

this morning.

The Balrog raises its arm holding a whip and prepares to strike Gandalf.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Oh shit...

Frodo pulls a rocket launcher out of his backpack and holds it on his shoulder.

FRODO (Stewie)

I knew this would come in handy

sometime.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Frodo launches the rocket, destroying the bridge. The Balrog and Gandalf fall into the chasm.

INT – MORIA CHASM

Gandalf and the Balrog are falling, falling.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I'm gonna kill that little mother

fucker if I get out of this.

Gandalf pulls out his sword and begins hacking at the Balrog. He stabs away until they fall into a giant open cavern with a lake at the bottom.

INT – MORIA CAVERN & LAKE

Gandalf and the Balrog turn into a synchronized diving team until they hit the water.

EXT – EMYN MUIL - MORNING

Frodo awakes with a start.

FRODO (Stewie)

Gandalf!

SAM wakes up with a start.

SAM (Brian)

What is it Mr. Frodo?

FRODO (Stewie)

(breathing heavily)

Nothing.

SAM (Brian)

Then shut the hell up so I can

get some sleep.

EXT – EMYN MUIL ROCKFACE - DAY

Sam and Frodo are climbing down on the rope. They reach the bottom.

FRODO (Stewie)

We can't leave this rope here for

someone to find.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

It's one of my knots. It won't

come free in a hurry.

Sam pulls hard on the end of the rope. It begins coming down to him.

FRODO (Stewie)

Huh. Real elvish rope.

The rock it's tied to comes down and crushes Frodo. Sam picks up the end of the rope and reads the tag on it. It says MADE IN CHINA.

SAM (Brian)

That explains that.

FRODO (Stewie)

(muffled)

Uh...little help here?

EXT – EMYN MUIL - DAY

Sam and Frodo wander through the hills.

SAM (Brian)

This looks strangely familiar.

FRODO (Stewie)

It's because we've been here

before. I think we're going in

circles. Face it Sam, we're lost.

CUT TO:

Seamus standing in the Drunken Clam. He pulls down the map of Middle-earth from his wooden arm.

SEAMUS

Bet you wish you had this now,

don't you?

EXT – EMYN MUIL - DAY

Sam sniffs the air.

SAM (Brian)

What's that stink? Must be a

nasty bog nearby.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

Sorry that's just me. I forgot to

pack any clean underwear on this

trip and I'm starting to get a bit

ripe.

Sam sits down.

SAM (Brian)

Let's face it Mr. Frodo, we're lost.

FRODO (Stewie)

Awww come now Sam, you mustn't lose

hope. You know what you need? A song.

SAM (Brian)

A song?

FRODO (Stewie)

Yes. We didn't do one in the first

part so let's start this one off with

a bang.

SAM (Brian) AND FRODO (Stewie)

We're off on the road to Mo-or-dor;

We're going to climb up Mount Doom.

FRODO (Stewie)

Take it Sam.

SAM (Brian)

We're quite a pair of hobbits

With Bilbo's golden ring,

FRODO (Stewie)

'Cept we're not old and wrinkled

Like Gandalf's dingaling.

SAM (Brian)

Give it time.

SAM (Brian) AND FRODO (Stewie)

We're off on the road to Mo-or-dor.

We're certainly going to die.

SAM (Brian)

I'm with a little hobbit, who's

shorter than can be.

FRODO (Stewie)

At least I don't have rug burns,

from being on my knees.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

What, more gay jokes?

SAM (Brian) AND FRODO (Stewie)

We've traveled a bit and we've found,

like Sauron after Dol Guldur, we're

Mo-or-dor bound.

Two hookers appear, a blonde, KARLA and a brunette, SIMONE (Crocodile Dundee)

KARLA

Is this your first trip to Mordor?

FRODO (Stewie)

It's our first trip anywhere.

SIMONE

Well hell, we just might have to

give you one for free?

FRODO (Stewie)

Yeah. One what?

Sam grabs Frodo and pulls him away.

SAM (Brian)

Never mind.

SAM (Brian) AND FRODO (Stewie)

We're off on the road to Mo-or-dor.

We're not gonna stop til we're there.

SAM (Brian)

We might get captured.

SAM (Brian)

Whatever dangers we may face,

we'll never fear or cry

FRODO (Stewie)

That's right, but now we're facing

Sauron, we just might up and die.

SAM (Brian) AND FRODO (Stewie)

We're off on the road to Mo-or-dor,

the home of that fire mountain doom.

SAM (Brian)

The Nazgul will be chasing us, up

and down the pass.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

We best not let them catch us or

they'll fuck us in the ass.

SAM (Brian)

Ouch!

SAM (Brian) AND FRODO (Stewie)

We certainly do get around.

Like a bunch of drunken orcs after

an elvish frat party.

We're Mo-or-dor bound.

Or like the army in the prologue at

the beginning of the first movie

that we didn't show you.

We're Mo-or-dor bound.

FRODO (Stewie)

There. Do you feel better now?

SAM (Brian)

A little.

Frodo pauses thoughtfully, debating whether or not to tell Sam...

FRODO (Stewie)

We're still lost though.

SAM (Brian)

I know. Let's sleep on it.

Sam pulls out a flask, chugs it back then falls over backwards and passes out.

EXT – EMYN MUIL – NIGHT

Sam and Frodo are sleeping. In the rocks above GOLLUM is creeping around.

GOLLUM (Roger)

They're thieves. They're filthy

little thieves.

Gollum stops and sniffs the air.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Eww. I meant filthy in a figurative

way but they do actually smell kinda

gross.

Gollum resumes climbing towards the hobbits.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

They stole it from us, they stole

the precious and we wants it back.

Frodo and Sam awake and grab Gollum. They wrestle. Gollum breaks free and kicks Sam in the balls.

SAM (Brian)

Oh...

Sam falls to the ground. Frodo pulls his sword and holds it at Gollum's neck.

FRODO (Stewie)

Freeze. Or I'll cut your throat.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Whoa, hey no need to get so serious.

Just having a little fun, weren't we

Sam?

SAM (Brian)

(weakly)

Fuck you.

FRODO (Stewie)

Do you know the way to Mordor?

GOLLUM (Roger)

I can get you there.

FRODO (Stewie)

Fine. You will lead us to the

Black Gate.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Okay.

Gollum pulls out a GPS. He fiddles with it then points his finger.

GOLLUM (Roger)

This way.

EXT – EMYN MUIL - DAY

Frodo and Sam are making their way through the rocks. Sam has his rope tied around Gollum's neck and is pulling him along roughly. Gollum is choking and getting banged around extensively.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

Augh...it burns. Its choking me.

Let me go you mother fucking, ass

licking, cock sucking bags of camel

shit.

FRODO (Stewie)

Wow. The TV censor is going to have

fun with that one.

GOLLUM (Roger)

I'm going to rip your nuts off and

stuff them down each other's

throats.

SAM

Quiet you. Every orc in Mordor's

going to hear this racket. Let's

just tie him up and leave him.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Ya you'd like that wouldn't you

bitch. Maybe a little S and M

before you leave me here to die?

SAM (Brian)

It's not more than you deserve.

FRODO (Stewie)

Maybe he does deserve to die. But

now that I see him, I do pity him.

I mean how can you not? Can you

imagine how hard it must have been

going through life as ugly as that?

GOLLUM (Roger)

Hey wait a minute now...

FRODO (Stewie)

If I release you, do you promise

not to double cross us?

GOLLUM (Roger)

Yes we swears...

GOLLUM (Roger)

(muttering)

...little rat bastards.

FRODO (Stewie)

Very well. You will lead us to

the Black Gate.

EXT – ROHAN PLAINS - DAY

The group of Uruk-hai are carrying Merry and Pippin.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Merry. Merry. Are you all right?

MERRY (Meg)

Do I look like I'm all right you

idiot?

PIPPIN (Chris)

I was just asking. Jeez, no need

to be a bitch about it. Don't

worry. I'll think of something

to help us.

MERRY (Meg)

Good thing I'm not holding my

breathe for that one.

Pippin grabs the pin off his cloak and spits it onto the ground. Uruk feet are stepping all around it then one steps directly on it and falls to the ground, clutching his foot.

URUK (Greg)

Ow...Ow...I stepped on something

sharp.

URUK TWO

Don't be such an orc.

URUK (Greg)

But my foot, it reeeally hurts.

The second Uruk pulls his sword and cuts off the Uruk's foot.

URUK TWO

There. Now your foot doesn't hurt

anymore does it?

URUK (Greg)

Technically no but owwwwwwwwwww.

EXT – ROHAN PLAIN - DAY

ARAGORN is lying on the ground. His eyes are closed and his ear is to the ground. LEGOALS and GIMLI are standing behind him.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

What do you hear Aragorn?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

No answer.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Aragorn?

Aragorn is snoring.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Aragorn!

Aragorn awakes groggily.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Huh. What? Oh. Their pace has

quickened. They must have caught

our scent.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

How do you know? You were sleeping.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Cause that's what it says on the

cue card.

CUT TO:

Guy standing beside a cameraman with a cue card saying 'Aragorn: Their pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent.'

EXT – ROHAN PLAIN - DAY

Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas are running. Aragorn doubles over.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Cramp...cramp.

He looks on the ground and sees the leaf brooch. He picks it up.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Hey a pin just like the ones we've

got. Cool, now I have two of them.

Aragorn pins the brooch to his cloak.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

So which way now?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN (Peter)

Got me. I can't find any signs of

which way they went.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Wait here. I'll go ask for

directions.

Legolas approaches a HOOKER (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman)

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Excuse me, can you tell me how to

get to Isengard?

HOOKER

Sure. For ten bucks.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

You can't charge me for directions.

HOOKER

I can do anything I want to baby,

I ain't lost.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

I only have a twenty. Can you make

change?

HOOKER

No.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Soooo...got any suggestions?

CUT TO:

Legolas comes back to Aragorn and Gimli. As he approaches, he does up his zipper.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Okay I know how to get there.

INT – ISENGARD

SARUMAN is standing with his hand over a palantir. His eyes are closed.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

The world is changing.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SARUMAN (Bullock) (CONT'D) Who now has the strength to stand

against the armies of Isengard and

Mordor?

The TERMINATOR appears.

TERMINATOR (Arnold)

I am the T1000. I was sent back in

time to stop you and your army.

An orc attacks the terminator with a sword but it bounces off the terminator. The terminator grabs the orc and twists his body until it snaps and falls to the ground.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

I am a wizard and a Sith lord. Do

you really think you can stop me?

The Terminator approaches Saruman threateningly.

TERMINATOR (Arnold)

I am a machine. I am unstoppable.

I am invincible. I am...

Saruman shoots lightning from his hands. The terminator explodes.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

...susceptible to high voltage.

EXT – FOREST - DAY

Orcs are cutting down trees.

EXT – ISENGARD FURNACES - DAY

Trees are being tossed down into the furnaces. Saruman is walking along observing the orcs working. The orcs are making weapons and armor and hatching Uruks from out of the ground.

EXT – ISENGARD - DAY

Saruman is overlooking the furnace pit. Next to him stands the ORC SUPERVISOR.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SARUMAN (Bullock)

I want them armed and ready to

fight.

ORC SUPERVISOR

But my lord, we don't have enough

fuel to feed the fires.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

The forest of Fangorn will provide

all the fuel we need. Cut it down

and burn it!

EXT - FANGORN FOREST - DAY

A group of orcs dressed in logging gear, carrying chainsaws and axes approach the edge of the forest. A group of tree huggers is there waiting. Jeff has chained himself to the first tree.

JEFF

Wait. You can't cut down these

trees. We have a court ordered

injunction stating you must cease

and desist all logging activity

in this watershed.

Jeff hands the lead orc a piece of paper. The orc quickly reads it then throws it away. He starts up the chainsaw and moves towards Jeff.

CLOSE ON ORC'S FACE

The saw starts cutting and the orc's face gets splattered with blood.

EXT – ISENGARD - DAY

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Rohan is ready to fall. We have

only to remove those who oppose us.

CUT TO:

Picture of a group of United Federation of Planets enemies.

INT – EDORAS – GOLDEN HALL

KING THEODEN, looking old and wrinkly, is sitting on his throne. EOMER approaches the king.

EOMER (Steve)

My lord, orcs bearing the white

hand of Saruman are sweeping

through Rohan, bullying everyone.

Look what they did.

Eomer turns around to show a giant wedgie. BARRY has his white underwear pulled up over his head so he can't see. Barry waves his arms around.

BARRY

Look. I'm a ghost!

WORMTONGUE appears from behind the king's throne.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

My lord, that is a lie.

EOMER (Steve)

No Wormtongue, it is not.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Liar, liar, pants on fire. Saruman

has always been our friend.

EOMER (Steve)

With friends like that, who needs

enemies?

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

That does it. Eomer, you are

banished forthwith from the kingdom

of Rohan under pain of death.

EOMER (Steve)

Banished? Under pain of death? Can't

you just ground me for a week?

Wormtongue points to the door.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Banished!

EOMER (Steve)

Hey wait. You don't have the

authority to banish me.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

That is true. But I'm not the one

banishing you...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Wormtongue holds out a proclamation with an unrecognizable signature written in crayon next to a small drawing of a house and a stick person.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

...the king is.

EOMER (Steve)

No!

Eomer is dragged by two guards to the exit and thrown out the door.

EXT – ROHAN – NIGHT

The Uruks stop for a break. Merry and Pippin are thrown to the ground.

MERRY (Meg)

I think we might have made a

mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin.

PIPPIN (Chris)

No shit Sherlock, what gave you

that idea?

The URUK CAPTAIN barks orders to his troops.

URUK CAPTAIN

Get a fire going.

URUK (Greg)

Oooh a barbeque! I love picnics.

URUK CAPTAIN

We ain't got no meat.

ORC

What about them?

The orcs look at look at Merry and Pippin.

ORC

They're fresh.

URUK CAPTAIN

They are not to be touched. They

are to go to Saruman, alive and

unspoiled.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

MERRY (Meg)

Oh hey, I wouldn't mind getting

a little spoiled, if you know what

I mean.

Merry winks at the Uruk.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Oh for Christ's sake. See this is

why nobody wants to work with you.

ORC

What about their legs? They don't

need those.

The orc approaches and raises his sword. The Uruk pulls out his sword and cuts off the orc's head. It bounces along the ground.

URUK CAPTAIN

Looks like meat's back on the menu

boys.

All the orcs and Uruks jump in and begin devouring the body. One Uruk takes a chunk of meat and sits down beside another Uruk who isn't eating.

URUK TWO

Why aren't you eating?

URUK (Greg)

I'm watching my figure. It's almost

swimsuit season you know and orc

meat goes straight to my thighs.

A spear pierces the eating Uruk. A group of Rohirrim come charging into the camp.

URUK (Greg)

Oh isn't that just like the

Rohirrim, showing up uninvited

to a dinner party.

The Rohirrim charge in, slaughtering the Uruks as they go. Merry crawls over and grabs an orc sword lying on the ground.

MERRY (Meg)

Come on Pippin, let's get out of

here.

The two hobbits cut their bonds and run into the forest.

EXT – ROHAN PLAINS – DAY

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

A red sun rises. Blood has been

spilled this night.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Actually a red sun is caused by

the sunlight bouncing off particles

in the atmosphere whereby...

ARAGORN (Peter)

(interrupting)

Hey Bill Nye, shut up. I think I

hear somebody coming. Quick. Hide.

The three of them jump behind a rock.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Why are we hiding?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Jabba the Hutt's put a price on

my head so big, every bounty hunter

in the galaxy is looking for me.

Legolas and Gimli look at each other.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Maybe we should have gone with

Stan.

The Rohirrim come riding in. Aragorn stands up.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Riders of Rohan, what news from

the mark?

CUT TO:

DIANE SIMMONS at the Channel 6 Rohan News.

DIANE

Good evening, I'm Diane Simmons

and you're watching Rohan Tonight.

Last night police were called to

the scene of an apparent gang hit.

The Isengard Furies were completely

wiped out in a brutal attack.

Police are not commenting on if

they have any suspects or whether

or not they believe the hit was

drug related. Coming up tonight,

the wizard Saruman. Is he a true

dictator or does he just have a

Mussolini complex?

EXT – ROHAN PLAINS – DAY

The Rohirrim stop in front of Aragon, Gimli and Legolas.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Hi fellas, whatcha been up to?

EOMER (Steve)

Why do you want to know? Are you

a cop?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Who wants to know?

EOMER (Steve)

I am Eomer, son of Eomund, Third

Marshal of the Riddermark, nephew

of King Theoden and second in line

to the Kingdom of Rohan. Don't mess

with me.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Geez kid, lighten up. And to answer

your question, no we're not cops.

EOMER (Steve)

The only news I have is that we

killed a shitload of orcs last

night.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Did you see two hobbits?

ARAGORN (Peter)

They would be but children to your

eyes, one fat one and one ugly one.

EOMER (Steve)

Sorry, we killed everything and

burned it. It was a bitching bonfire.

Listen we gotta get going, the fuzz

are probably looking for us right

now.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Okay, thanks. Say you wouldn't

happen to have any spare horses

would you? All this running is

starting to make me chafe in the

crotch.

Eomer whistles.

EOMER (Steve)

Buttercup. Twinkletoes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Two horses approach and stand beside Eomer.

EOMER (Steve)

May these horses bear you to

better fortune than their former

masters.

CUT TO:

Photos of Christopher Reeve and Roy Kinnear.

EXT – ROHAN PLAINS - DAY

Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas come riding up on their horses to a pile of burnt orc bodies. A dead Uruk (Greg) is stuck on a pike with it shoved up his ass. His eyes are closed but he has a satisfied smile on his face. They rummage through the pile, turning up nothing. Legolas and Gimli stare dejectedly at the ground. Aragon kicks a helmet.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Arggggggh.

Aragorn falls to the ground clutching his foot.

ARAGORN (Peter)

I think I broke my fucking toe.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

We've failed them.

Aragorn looks around in the dirt.

ARAGORN (Peter)

A hobbit laid here.

Legolas perks up.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

What? Somebody got laid here?

GIMLI (Cleveland)

You wish. So Aragorn, can you tell

what happened to Merry and Pippin?

ARAGORN (Peter)

I think they went into the forest.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

What makes you think that?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Aragorn holds up a piece of yellow paper.

ARAGORN (Peter)

I found a post it note. It says

"Dear Aragorn, we've gone into the

forest." Signed Pippin.

EXT – FANGORN - DAY

Merry and Pippin are running through the trip over a root. A giggle is heard. They get up and start running again. Again they are tripped by a root and hear another giggle.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Who's doing that?

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

I am.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Why do you sound like Gimli?

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

Haroom. Lots of people sound

similar. It doesn't mean anything.

I'm Treebeard, a shepherd of the

forest.

In the background, a sheep is heard bleeting.

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

Ignore that, it's only another

tree. We only look after trees,

no farm animals or anything like

that.

MERRY (Meg)

Can you help us?

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

We lost the Entwives ok? It's damn

lonely in the forest. The sheep are

all we have.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Can you help us Mr. Treebeard?

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

Sorry I can't look after you.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

TREEBEARD (Cleveland) (CONT'D)

I'm going to give you to the white

wizard. He can babysit your asses.

Treebeard scoops up the two hobbits and carries them off.

EXT – SWAMP MARSHES - DAY

SAM (Brian)

Great, just great. Now he's lead

us into a stinky shithole of a

swamp.

The SWAMP THING appears.

SWAMP THING

I do my best to keep this place

neat and tidy, smelling fresh and

what's the first thing you do?

Complain about the job I did. Well

screw you.

The Swamp Thing stomps off. They continue through the swamp.

SAM (Brian)

We've been walking through this

slop for two days now. How much

longer do we have to do this?

FRODO (Stewie)

I'm hungry. Let's stop.

GOLLUM (Roger)

What's on the menu today? Samosas?

Chilli cheese dogs? You wouldn't

happen to have any chocodiles would

you? I just love those.

FRODO (Stewie)

Here, have some lembas.

Gollum takes a bite, gags then spits it out.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Oh my god, this is terrible, I

can't eat this crap. I'm going

to choke to death. Unless you

happen to have some scotch maybe

to wash it down with?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

My scotch is for me. You aren't

getting any.

GOLLUM (Roger)

You're a horrible, horrible hobbit.

Not like master here. Gollum likes

master, master of the precious.

Gollum cuddles up to Frodo. Frodo pushes him away violently.

FRODO (Stewie)

Don't touch me. Good god, why am

I always surrounded by perverts.

EXT – FANGORN FOREST - DAY

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are trodding through the forest. Aragorn stops and crouches down to look at some tracks on the ground.

ARAGORN (Peter)

These are strange tracks.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

What's strange about them?

ARAGORN (Peter)

They just keep going around in a

circle.

Aragorn stands up. He's standing in the middle of a circular toy train set. Legolas looks around, listening.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

There's something out there.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Is it the boogeyman?

Gimli lets out a small cry of fear and clutches Aragorn. Legolas nods his head to the left.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

The White Wizard approaches.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Do not let him speak. He will put

a spell on us. Remember what

happened last time?

CUT TO:

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are all dressed in tutus performing a ballet.

EXT – FANGORN FOREST - DAY

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli each grip their weapons, poised to attack.

ARAGORN (Peter)

We must be quick.

Suddenly they turn, pull their weapons and attack. A white robed arm comes into view with a can of mace and sprays the three of them in their faces. Aragorn and Gimli drop to the ground, screaming and trying to claw their eyeballs out. Legolas just stands there.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Jesus, Legolas, doesn't it burn?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Naw, I've been maced lots of times.

I'm used to it.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Hi boys.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Wha...? Gandalf?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Holy shit it's a ghost. Run!

GANDALF (Herbert)

No no, I'm not a ghost. I have

returned as Gandalf the White.

LEGOLAS (Cleveland)

With his reputation, he's lucky he

didn't come back as Gandalf the

Black.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

What's that supposed to mean?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Nothing. Stop taking everything

so personally.

ARAGORN (Peter)

But we saw you die.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

From the lowest dungeon to the

highest peek I fought with the

Balrog of Morgoth.

EXT – MORIA MOUNTAINTOP – SNOWING

The Balrog and Gandalf are fighting. They stop. The Balrog is shivering.

BALROG

Damn man, we should've stayed

inside where it was warm. It's

colder than a witch's tit out

here.

Gandalf looks beside himself. HERMIONE GRANGER is standing there. He reaches over and grabs her boob.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Yep, it sure is.

HERMIONE

Stop that!

Hermione slaps Gandalf across the face. Gandalf zaps her with his staff and she explodes in a ball of flame.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Take that you uppity little bitch.

EXT – FANGORN FOREST - DAY

ARAGORN (Peter)

We're trying to find Merry and

Pippin.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Don't worry about them. They're

with Treebeard.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

(snickering)

Treebeard...that sounds like what

I just gave that hooker.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

You are just so nasty.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

Come boys, now we must get to

Edoras.

The group carries on walking through the forest.

EXT – EDGE OF FANGORN FOREST - DAY

Gandalf whistles. In the distance a white horse, SHADOWFAX, appears and gallops towards the group.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Wow, what a nice looking horse.

GANDALF (Herbert)

That is Shadowfax, king of horses.

Shadowfax gallops over to the group, then trips and falls on his face. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli all giggle.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Ya he's pretty majestic all right.

Shadowfax gets up and Gandalf, Aragorn and Legolas climb onto the horses. Gimli stands there staring at them.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Come on Gimli. Get on the back of

the horse.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

The back of the horse? Goddamn it,

where's Rosa Parks when you need

her?

Gimli climbs on and the four riders gallop off across the plain.

EXT – HILL OUTSIDE THE BLACK GATE - DAY

The hobbits and Gollum climb a hill. They crouch down at the top of it.

GOLLUM (Roger)

There ya go, the Black Gate.

The Black Gate is rainbow colored.

FRODO (Stewie)

That's the Black Gate?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

Ya that's it. They painted it a

few years ago. They're trying to

market it as a more family

oriented type of place to visit,

kinda like what they did in Vegas.

SAM (Brian)

So how are we supposed to get in

the gate. It's probably locked

and guarded by tons of orcs.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Leave this to me.

EXT – BLACK GATE - DAY

Gollum and the two hobbits are dressed in suits carrying bibles. They approach the gate and ring the doorbell.

An ORC DOORMAN answers the door.

ORC DOORMAN

Yes? Can I help you?

GOLLUM (Roger)

Hello sir. We're Jehovah's

Witnesses and we'd like to...

The orc slams the door in Gollum's face.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Okay, apparently we're not getting

in this way.

SAM (Brian)

Is that the only plan you've got?

GOLLUM (Roger)

I do have one more idea but it

involves rubber gloves, two tubes

of KY jelly and some tic tacs.

SAM (Brian)

Yup, that's the only plan you've

got.

GOLLUM (Roger)

There is another way, a dark way,

a secret way.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

I thought the rubber gloves and KY

jelly WERE the dark, secret way.

FRODO (Stewie)

Ooh, a secret way. Kind of like

going in the back door. I like the

sound of that.

GOLLUM (Roger)

I'll bet you do.

Sam and Gollum snicker to each other.

FRODO (Stewie)

What are you laughing at?

SAM (Brian)

Nothing.

FRODO (Stewie)

Was it my back door comment? What's

wrong with going in the back door?

Some people prefer going in the

back door. I know I like it

sometimes, especially if my shoes

are all muddy or something. Lois

appreciates it.

Sam and Gollum are bursting into hysterics.

FRODO (Stewie)

Are you making fun of me Sam?

Sam stops laughing.

SAM (Brian)

Uh...no.

FRODO (Stewie)

Yes you were. You know what that

means.

SAM (Brian)

Crap...

CUT TO:

Frodo is riding on Sam's back.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Hey Sam, I didn't know you liked

it bareback.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Gollum bursts out laughing at his joke. Sam and Frodo stop and stare at each other.

CUT TO:

Frodo and Sam are riding on Gollum's back.

FRODO (Stewie)

Now who's the bitch hmmm?

GOLLUM (Roger)

(mumbling to himself)

Hey Roger, you'd be great for

playing Gollum. Damn McFarlane,

I'm going to kick his ass next

time I see him.

EXT – EDORAS - DAY

Gandalf, Aragorn, Leoglas and Gimli arrive at the front door of the Golden Hall, Meduseld. They knock on the door. HAMA opens a window as in the Wizard of Oz.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Hello, we're here to see the king.

HAMA

The king? You sure you're not here

to see the wizard?

GANDALF (Herbert)

I am the wizard.

HAMA

You're the wizard? Are you sure

you're not Dorothy? We're expecting

Dorothy and three friends. We

thought you might be them.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I could be Dorothy if you want me

too.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Oh for crying out loud, we don't

have time for this.

Aragorn barges through the door.

INT – MEDUSELD

Gandalf approaches King Theoden. Sitting beside the king is Grima Wormtongue,

GANDALF (Herbert)

The courtesy of your hall is

somewhat lessened of late Theoden

King.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

That's what you get for not

inviting us to your birthday party

last year.

THEODEN (Joe)

(Saruman's voice)

And why should I welcome you

Gandalf TornadoPigeon?

Wormtongue gets up and confronts Gandalf.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Ya bugger off Gandalf the Grey.

GANDALF (Herbert)

No one tells me to bugger off for

I am Gandalf the White!

Gandalf throws back his grey cloak to reveal himself. He is naked. Everyone falls silent and stares at him.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Ahem.

Legolas hands Gandalf his white cloak.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Oops. Thanks Legolas. I thought it

felt a bit shrivelly in here.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

I don't think temperature has

anything to do with it.

Gandalf puts on his cloak, holds up his staff and waves it in front of Wormtongue's face.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Now Wormtongue, keep your forked

tongue in its place before I rip it

out and use it to slap you around.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Oh shit.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Wormtongue turns and runs to hide behind the throne.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Gandalf approaches the throne where Theoden is hunched over.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Begone Saruman.

THEODEN (Joe)

(Saruman's voice)

No, leave me alone or Theoden dies.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I release you.

Gandalf swings his staff and brings it down on the cloak Theoden is wearing on his back.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Ow!

Saruman jumps out from underneath the cloak holding his head. It's bleeding. Saruman straightens up then presses a Starfleet badge on his cloak. He disappears in a transporter beam. Theoden comes alive.

THEODEN (Joe)

Oh thank god. You wouldn't believe

where he's had his hand this whole

time.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Breathe the free air again my

friend.

Theoden inhales deeply then begins coughing.

THEODEN (Joe)

Ugh. That doesn't smell free.

ARAGORN (Peter) O.S.

Sorry, my bad.

THEODEN (Joe)

Wormtongue!

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Yes my lord.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

THEODEN (Joe)

Get your ugly ass outta my sight

before I have you arrested as an

accessory.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Yes my king.

Wormtongue flees the hall. EOWYN runs to the side of Theoden and clutches him.

EOWYN (Hayley)

Oh uncle, it's so good to have you

back to normal.

THEODEN (Joe)

Thank you my dear. Now go make me

a sandwich.

Eowyn steps backs from Theoden.

EOWYN (Hayley)

What's the matter with you? Your

legs don't work? Get it yourself.

Eowyn turns and walks away. Theoden opens his mouth to say something.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Just let it go. Remember, she's

from the other team. Now my king,

Saruman is preparing an army to

conquer Rohan. You must ride out

to meet him.

THEODEN (Joe)

Ride out to meet him? Are you nuts?

After what just happened, I want to

keep as far from him as possible.

We're going to go hide in Helm's

Deep. Get the horses ready.

INT – EDORAS STABLES

Aragorn is holding Shadowfax while Gandalf climbs up.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Aragorn, I need you to lead the

battle at Helm's Deep.

ARAGORN (Peter)

But what about King Theoden?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

He's being a little pussy. I need

you to hold off Saruman's army

until I can bring help.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Do you think you can find any?

GANDALF (Herbert)

I know where's there are lots of

young men, ready to do anything

I ask.

ARAGORN (Peter)

San Francisco?

GANDALF (Herbert)

I'll see you in a few days.

Gandalf rides out. Aragorn picks up a saddle and puts it on a horse.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Get out there.

EOWYN (Hayley) (O.S.)

Ewww...I don't want to.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

It's in the script, now go.

Eowyn walks in from the right of the screen.

EOWYN (Hayley)

Uh...hey there...big fella.

ARAGORN (Peter)

(matter of factly)

Hi.

EOWYN (Hayley)

So...you wanna fool around?

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

That's not the line!

EOWYN (Halyley)

(to the director)

If I have to do this, I'm doing

it MY way. Besides, he doesn't go

for it anyways, right?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN (Peter)

Sorry I have a girlfriend.

EOWYN (Hayley)

(to the director)

See?

Eowyn snuggles up to Aragorn.

EOWYN (Hayley)

Are you sure you don't want to?

She'll never now.

ARAGORN (Peter)

You know what? You're right. What

happens in Edoras, stays in Edoras.

Aragorn grabs Eowyn and passionately kisses her. Eowyn's arms and legs arm flail violently, trying to get away. Aragorn lets go of her and she begins vomiting. Aragorn has a disappointed look on his face.

ARAGORN (Peter)

That wasn't very good. Kinda like

kissing my sister.

Aragorn gets on his horse and rides away. The director walks onset. Hayley is doubled over on the ground.

DIRECTOR

Serves you right for not following

the script.

The director throws the script at her head.

DIRECTOR

Feminist bitch.

EXT – ITHILIEN - DAY

Sam and Frodo are sitting around a campfire.

SAM (Brian)

Man I'm starving. I hope Gollum

finds something good for us to

cook up.

GOLLUM (Roger) (O.S.)

I'm back.

SAM (Brian)

Great. Did you catch any coneys?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Gollum approaches the fire.

GOLLUM (Roger)

I don't know about coneys but I

got these for you.

Gollum pulls out two dead skunks.

SAM (Brian)

You expect us to eat those?

GOLLUM (Roger)

Hey, you don't like what I got ya,

go choke down some of those damn

lembas things you tried to poison

ME with.

CUT TO:

Sam is roasting a skunk over an open fire. The other has been cooked and is on their plates.

SAM (Brian)

You know Gollum, these might

actually taste all right.

Sam hands Gollum a plate of skunk.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Yuck, no thanks. I think I'd

rather suck on one of those

lembas. Or maybe a horse's ass.

Hard to tell the difference.

Besides, I already got my dinner.

A burrito and a slurpy.

Gollum pulls a burrito and slurpy out from behind his back.

FRODO (Stewie)

Where'd you get that?

GOLLUM (Roger)

Over there, at that little strip

mall.

Roger turns and points.

CUT TO:

A mini-mall. It has such stores as Orc's R Us, Orcmart, Orcbucks. McSauron's.

EXT – ITHILIEN - DAY

The boys are chowing down on the food when a noise is heard. Several BIRD CALLS come from the bushes surrounding them.

FRODO (Stewie)

Seems to be an unusual number of

birds around today.

Another bush rustles and a COW'S MOO is heard.

FRODO (Stewie)

Huh. Maybe not.

Several RANGERS including FARAMIR jump out of the bushes, along with one in a Texas Rangers uniform and one in a New York Rangers uniform (holding a baseball bat and hockey stick respectively).

FARAMIR (Neil)

Nobody move. We're Gondorian

Rangers and you're under arrest.

GOLLUM (Roger)

I'm not with them.

A small bag of weed falls out of his backside.

GOLLUM (Roger)

And that's not mine.

GONDORIAN RANGER

Look out! He's got a gun.

The rangers all pull out batons and start beating Gollum until he's battered and bruised.

GONDORIAN RANGER

Put him in cuffs then let's get

some donuts.

The rangers cuff Gollum then take off.

SAM (Brian)

Wow.

FRODO (Stewie)

What did you expect when they

hired off duty cops as extras?

EXT – WATERFALL - DAY

The rangers are parading the captives to a cave behind the waterfall.

FRODO (Stewie)

Does anyone else feel like they

have to pee?

SAM (Brian)

Yeah I kinda do.

FRODO (Stewie)

How do you guys handle being around

all this rushing water all day?

FARAMIR (Neil)

Do you know what a catheter is?

SAM (Brian)

Yes.

FARAMIR (Neil)

There you go. Now tell me who you

are. Are you orc spies?

FRODO (Stewie)

No.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Are you sure?

FRODO (Stewie)

Yes.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Okay you can go then.

GONDORIAN RANGER

My lord, you cannot let them go.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Are you sure?

GONDORIAN RANGER

Yes.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Okay tie them up.

FRODO (Stewie)

Quite the decision maker isn't he?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FARAMIR (Neil)

If you're not orc spies then who

are you?

FRODO (Stewie)

We're hobbits from the Shire. I'm

Frodo, this is Sam.

FARAMIR (Neil)

And who's your friend? He's got an

ill favored look about him.

GOLLUM (Roger)

What do you expect? I just had

four Neanderthal psychopaths beat

the snot out of me. Actually I

think it's just that burrito.

It's not sitting well with me.

Got any Pepto?

FRODO (Stewie)

He's our guide. There were nine

of us set out from Rivendell. A

pervert, a whore, a black guy,

two losers, an idiot and somebody

I didn't know named Boromir.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Boromir? Then it would grieve you

to know he is dead.

FRODO (Stewie)

Not really. I hardly knew the guy.

Bit of a schmuck I would say.

Wouldn't you say so Sam?

SAM (Brian)

Ya he was a total tool.

FARAMIR (Neil)

He was my brother.

FRODO (Stewie) and SAM (Brian)

(in unison)

Oh he was a great guy. Real nice

guy. We were good friends.

FARAMIR (Neil)

(to Gollum)

Where are you taking them?

(CONTINUE)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

The master of the precious says we

have to go to Mordor. Personally I

wanted to go to Disneyland but

Mr. Killjoy here has other plans.

FARAMIR

The precious? So this is the answer

to all the riddles. Here in the

wild, I have the ring of power

within my grasp. A chance for

Faramir, captain of Gondor to

show his quality.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Oh god. I hope showing us his

quality isn't a euphemism for

pulling out his weiner.

SAM (Brian)

Stop it. Don't you understand?

We're going to Mordor, to destroy

it.

FARAMIR (Neil)

No. The ring will go to Gondor.

This way I won't have to spend any

money on a ring for my girlfriend.

EXT – ISENGARD - DAY

Wormtongue arrives at Isengard. He rides past a chain gang of orcs all digging. A group of cowboys is overseeing the orcs. LYLE (Burton Gilliam – Blazing Saddles) is the foreman.

LYLE

Now come on boys, where's your

spirit? How about a good ol' orc

song? When you were elves, you

sang like birds. How about the

Orthanc ladies?

The orcs shake their heads.

ORC

The Orthanc ladies?

LYLE (Burton Gilliam)

Oh you know.

Lyle starts prancing around.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

LYLE (Burton Gilliam)

The Orthanc ladies sing this song,

doo dah, doo dah. Orthanc

racetrack's five miles long,

all the doo dah day.

CUT TO:

American Idol – Randy, Paula and Simon are staring wide-eyed. Randy turns and vomits on the floor, Paula takes two forks and sticks them in her eyes. Simon stares blankly and then...

SIMON

Seriously Lyle...what the fuck was

that?

INT – ORTHANC TOWER

Saruman is talking with Wormtongue.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

So Gandalf thinks he has found

Isildur's heir. Amazing what one

can do with a fake ID these days.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Theoden will not stay at Edoras.

He will make for Helm's Deep. It's

impenetrable.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Nothing is impenetrable, except my

ex-wife on our wedding night. If it

hadn't been for my magic staff...

If the wall is breached, Helm's

Deep will fall.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Even if it is breached, it would

takes thousands to storm the keep.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Tens of thousands.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

But, my lord, there is no such

force.

EXT – ORTHANC BALCONY - DAY

Saruman and Wormtongue step out onto the balcony.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Below is a massive army of Imperial Stormtroopers. A STORMTROOPER sees him and starts waving.

STORMTROOPER

Oh look, its Count Dooku. Yoo hoo!

Count Dooku! Down here.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Wait a minute, this isn't the

army I ordered. Where are my

Uruk-hai?

EXT – UTAPAU - DAY

Two Uruks are holding a hologram projector with an image of CHANCELLOR PALPATINE.

PALPATINE (Mr. Pewterschmidt)

The time has come. Execute order

sixty-six.

UTAPAU URUK

What's order sixty-six?

PALPATINE (Mr. Pewterschmidt)

(frustrated sigh)

Kill all the Jedi.

UTAPAU URUK

(hesitates then agrees)

Uh...okay.

The hologram disappears. The Uruk turns to his friend.

UTAPAU URUK

What's a Jedi?

URUK

Fuck if I know. Wanna get a beer?

UTAPAU URUK

Sure.

The Uruk tosses the hologram projector into a garbage can and leaves.

INT – ORTHANC TOWER

SARUMAN (Bullock)

No matter. Tonight we march to

Helm's Deep. To WAR!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Saruman raises his arms in a triumphant gesture. Severe sweat stains are visible in his armpits. Wormtongue puts his hands in front of his eyes in disgust.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Wow dude. It's called Right Guard.

You can get it at Goldman's

Pharmacy, 914 Carson street in

Quahog.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Never mind the advertisement, get

down to the kitchen and whip me up

some dinner. I feel like pork and

beans tonight.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

I can't eat pork.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Fine, you can have an extra helping

of beans then. And mix some broccoli

in with it. You can never have too

much fiber.

EXT – ROHAN PLAIN - DAY

Aragorn is leading a group of Rohan peasants. Legolas and Gimli are riding beside along with Theoden and Eowyn.

ARAGORN (Peter)

This is kinda boring. Shouldn't

we be attacked by wargs or

something?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

No I don't think anything should

be attacking us.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Maybe the wargs are busy doing

something else.

CUT TO:

A warg fighting ring. Two wargs are circling each other. In the stands, MICHAEL VICK, in his football jersey, is cheering on the fight.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

MICHAEL VICK

Ten bucks for first blood, twenty

for the kill.

EXT – HELM'S DEEP - DAY

Aragorn and the rest arrive at Helm's Deep.

THEODEN (Joe)

Good. I see the repairs I ordered

are underway.

A large crane is lowering giant Lego blocks onto the Deeping wall.

THEODEN (Joe)

Get everyone inside the fortress.

A group of food carts, paper boys and hookers go rushing inside.

EXT – HELM'S DEEP RAMPART - DAY

GIMLI (Cleveland)

So this place has never been

conquered eh?

THEODEN (Joe)

Never. Helm Hammerhand built this

place impenetrable.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Pretty sure of himself wasn't he?

The group streams into Helm's Deep. Above them is a statue of Helm Hammerhand with his pants down, mooning anyone outside the fortress.

INT – THE KEEP

ARAGORN (Peter)

We need to get the troops into

place. Who's in charge of the

archers?

A one eyed man approaches Aragorn. His missing right eye is a gaping hole.

ONE-EYED MAN

I am.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN (Peter)

Really?

ONE-EYED MAN

Ya. What? You got a problem?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Well, technically with only one

eye, doesn't that mean you have

no depth perception? And don't

archers kinda...need that?

ONE-EYED MAN

Yes.

Long awkward pause.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Okay then.

EXT – DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

Soldiers are spread out along the Deeping wall and keep. They are prepped and waiting for the Uruk-hai army to arrive.

EXT – PLAIN OUTSIDE HELM'S DEEP - NIGHT

The URUK-HAI ARMY comes marching over the hill. They are singing.

URUK-HAI ARMY

We're walking on sunshine, wooah.

We're walking on sunshine, wooah.

And don't it feel good.

EXT – OUTSIDE HELM'S DEEP - NIGHT

The army stops. Two Uruks, GORBACH and CHAZ are talking.

SINGING URUK

Man, when I joined up, I never

thought we'd be sent into action.

GORBACH (Ollie Williams)

I'm just paying for college.

SINGING URUK

What are you studying?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GORBACH (Ollie Williams)

Wanna be a weatherman.

CUT TO:

DIANE SIMMONS

And now with the weather, here's

Gorbach.

CUT TO:

Gorbach is standing front of a map of Middle-earth wearing a badly fitting suit. Various weather indicators are all over the map. Rain clouds are over Helm's Deep.

GORBACH (Ollie Williams)

RAIN!

EXT – OUTSIDE HELM'S DEEP - NIGHT

GORBACH (Ollie Williams)

(looking up)

Looks like rain.

It starts raining.

SINGING URUK

Wow. Good call.

EXT – HELM'S DEEP COURTYARD - NIGHT

Aragorn is naked, taking a bath in the rain. Legolas, Gimli and Theoden are staring at him.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Aragorn, what the hell are you

doing?

ARAGORN (Peter)

In case you guys haven't noticed,

we haven't showered since Rivendell.

I do have a girlfriend you know.

Legolas sighs.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Don't remind me.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

What are you complaining about?

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GIMLI (Cleveland) (CONT'D)

You were with that hooker three

days ago. What about me? Did you

know less than a third of all

dwarves are women? And they're all

short, fat and hairy?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Just stretch 'em out and shave

'em down. Problem solved.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

(frustrated)

There's just no talking to you.

Let's get to the wall.

EXT – TOP OF THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

Gimli and Legolas are at the wall. Gimli can't see over the wall.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

What's happening? Why haven't they

attacked?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

I don't know. Maybe they need

something to rile them up.

EXT – OUTSIDE THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

A group of URUK CHEERLEADERS are cheering the troops on.

CHEERLEADERS

Saruman, Saruman, go go go.

Uruks rule, Rohans blow.

EXT – TOP OF THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

A ROHAN ARCHER standing next to Theoden accidentally lets loose an arrow.

ROHAN ARCHER

Oops. Sorry slipped.

EXT – OUTSIDE THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

The arrow picks off one of the cheerleaders.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

URUK LEADER

Oh that does it. I thought we were

just here to slap them around a bit,

do some name calling but now I'm

pissed! Auuggghhhhhhhh!

The Uruks attack.

EXT – TOP OF THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

THEODEN

So it begins.

The archer turns and looks at Theoden.

ROHAN ARCHER

D'uh...really?

EXT – DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

The Uruks attack the wall. One Uruk puts up a small metal step ladder with three rungs and climbs to the top of it. He stares way up at the top of the wall.

URUK CLIMBER

Okay, somebody didn't think this

through very well.

An arrow comes down and kills him. Other Uruks are climbing longer ladders and reaching the top of the wall.

EXT – TOP OF THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

Close fighting between Rohan soldiers and Uruks. Gimli slashes an Uruk with his axe.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Legolas! Two already.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

I'm on seventeen.

Gimli turns away in disgust.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Lying bastard. Always gotta show

up the black man.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

THEODEN (Joe)

Is this all you can conjure,

Saruman?

A middle eastern scream is heard. In the middle of the Uruks is OSAMA BIN LADEN running towards the wall wearing a vest of explosives.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Legolas! Bring him down.

Legolas aims a cross bow and fires it. Out of the end of the arrow pops a little flag that says "TWANG". Gimli giggles.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Oh real funny Gimli. Fine time for

practical jokes. Aragorn, I can't

get a clear shot.

A NAVY SEAL drops down onto the top of the wall.

NAVY SEAL

I'll take care of him.

The seal aims and shoots as bin Laden nears the drain. The bullet goes between his eyes. He stops moving, his eyes open wide then falls face first into the water.

NAVY SEAL

That's how it's done boys. Now

that fucker's dead.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Whew. That could've been messy.

Legolas sees something else approaching.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Look at that!

ARAGORN (Peter)

Look at what?

Aragorn focuses out on the crowd of Uruks then his eyes open wide.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Oh no!

CUT TO: INSIDE THE DEEPING WALL

KOOL-AID bursts through the wall, bringing down a large section of it.

KOOL-AID

OH YEAH!

A slew of arrows pierce him. He begins bleeding Kool-Aid profusely and collapses.

EXT – TOP OF THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

THEODEN (Joe)

That's just great. Do you know how

much my insurance premiums are

going to go up on this place now?

EXT – HOLE IN THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

The Uruks come swarming inside the wall. They begin rioting and breaking windows in a series of little shops, taking TV's and looting in general.

EXT – TOP OF THE DEEPING WALL - NIGHT

THEODEN (Joe)

Fall back. Everybody fall back

into the castle.

All the soldiers turn and run up the stairs. Theoden is left sitting on the wall. He looks around desperately.

THEODEN (Joe)

Uh...little help here?

INT – CASTLE KEEP FRONT DOOR

Orcs are smashing the door. Bits of the door are breaking down. Theoden is carried in by two soldiers.

THEODEN (Joe)

We need to barricade the door.

ARAGORN (Peter)

How long do you need?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

THEODEN (Joe)

Do I look like a contractor? I

don't know. As long as you can

give me.

Aragorn and Gimli exit out a side door.

EXT – SIDE DOOR - NIGHT

Aragorn and Gimli are looking at the rampart.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

I can't make it. You're going to

have to toss me.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Toss you? Are you nuts? You must

weight two hundred and fifty pounds.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Just do it already.

Aragorn attempts to pick up Gimli with no success.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Sorry. I think we're gonna need a

special effect or something here.

A technician runs over and hooks Aragorn and Gimli up to some wires. Aragorn picks Gimli up and whips him around a few times.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Oh this is way better. Ready Gimli?

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Go for it.

Aragorn winds up and the two of them fly across the rampart, knocking orcs away from the door. They smash into the opposite wall and crumple in a heap. Theoden sticks his head through a small hole in the door before boarding it up.

THEODEN (Joe)

Okay, get them out of there.

Aragorn and Gimli are hanging limply as they are hoisted up by the wires attached to them.

EXT – FANGORN FOREST - DAWN

Merry and Pippin are riding on Treebeard's shoulders.

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

I'll leave you at the western

borders of the forest. You can

catch the number six bus from

there.

MERRY (Meg)

So you're not going to help us

fight in the war?

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

No, we Ents are quite the pacifists.

We don't wish to harm anyone or

anything.

Treebeard exits Fangorn Forest and sees the large clearcuts of trees.

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

Oh that fucking Saruman. A wizard

should know better. I'm going to

rip his balls off and feed them

to the squirrels.

Off to the side, TWO BEAVERS stop gnawing on a downed tree and look over at Treebeard.

BEAVER ONE

Should we tell him it wasn't

Saruman?

BEAVER TWO

No, let's see where this goes. It

might be fun to watch.

Treebeard lets loose a giant bellow.

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

Augggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

More Ents appear out of the forest.

TREEBEARD

The Ents are going to war.

Farther away, a group of trees is moving in a different direction.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Where are those trees going?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

They have business with the orcs.

CUT TO:

Several orcs and Ents are seated around a meeting table, all dressed in suits. The table is covered with papers, pens, drinking glasses.

ENT

So it's agreed then. You can pick

all the fruit you want from our

branches and in return you'll kill

all the beavers running around

chewing on us.

CUT TO: FANGORN

The two beavers are sitting there with stunned looks on their faces.

BEAVER ONE

Oh crap...

EXT – ISENGARD - DAWN

The Ents tear up rocks and throw them at the orcs on the ground. They stomp on the orcs. One of the Ents is being hacked at by orcs with axes.

ENT

Hee...hee...that tickles.

Suddenly an orc appears dressed as LEATHERFACE, waving a chainsaw in the air.

ENT

Oh shit!

The Ent turns and runs.

EXT - ISENGARD BALCONY - DAWN

Saruman and Wormtongue appear on the balcony.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

What the hell's going on around

here?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Saruman surveys the battle below him.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Wormtongue, quick get the weed

killer.

CUT TO:

MR. WEED is sitting behind his desk at work.

MR WEED

(panicked look on his face)

What? I don't like the sound of

that.

EXT – ISENGARD - DAWN

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

Break down the dike.

EXT – DAM - DAWN

An Ent is beating up on ROSIE O'DONNELL.

ROSIE

He means the dam you idiot.

ENT

Oh.

The Ents rip apart the dam. The water comes pouring out.

EXT – ISENGARD - DAWN

The dam waters come pouring down and flood Isengard.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Yay, we won.

EXT - ISENGARD BALCONY - DAWN

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Oh god, we'll never survive this

flooding.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Don't worry Wormtongue, we'll be

fine once FEMA gets here.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

Oh God, we're going to die!

EXT – OSGILIATH - DAWN

The two hobbits are being marched by Faramir and the other rangers.

FRODO (Stewie)

Faramir, the ring will not save

Gondor. It has only the power to

destroy.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Wrong, it also has the power to get

me some boob. It's going to Gondor.

A Gondorian Ranger approaches.

GONDORIAN RANGER

Captain Faramir. Orcs have taken

the eastern shore.

FARAMIR (Neil)

That's okay. All the good

restaurants are on the western

shore.

GONDORIAN RANGER

By nightfall, the city will be

overrun.

FARAMIR (Neil)

That's not okay. My dad's going to

be pissed. He's still mad from

when I crashed his horse.

CUT TO:

Faramir and DENETHOR are standing looking at a dead horse wrapped around a telephone pole.

DENETHOR (Adam West)

Damn it Faramir, that was a brand

new horse. It only had twenty miles

on it.

EXT – OSGILIATH - DAWN

FARAMIR (Neil)

Take them to my father.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Sam and Frodo start getting herded away. Sam fights back and stops.

SAM (Brian)

Do you want to know what happened

to Boromir? He got chicks because

he was tough. He took chances. He

got boob because he wanted to get

boob. He didn't need any fancy

ring to bribe them. He was a real

man.

Faramir thinks for a moment.

FARAMIR (Neil)

You're right. I don't need the

ring. I'm going to get boob the

old fashioned way, by getting

them drunk. Okay Frodo, you and

your friends can go.

FRODO (Stewie)

Thanks ass-wipe. Now that you've

dragged us all the way here, how

are we supposed to get back to

Mordor?

FARAMIR (Neil)

You can get out through the old

sewer system. It runs under the

river to the other side.

GOLLUM (Roger)

The sewer? Eww, all that urine

and feces squishing between my

toes? No thanks.

Faramir grabs Gollum.

FARAMIR (Neil)

You're going to lead them got it?

And if any harm comes to them,

may death find you before I do.

Faramir lets go of Gollum.

FARAMIR (Neil)

I'm sorry, that wasn't very nice

of me. My breakfast wasn't kosher

and it's kind of put me in a bad mood.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

Come on boys. Shit patrol heading

out.

The two hobbits and Gollum head into the sewer.

INT – HELM'S DEEP CASTLE

The door is being barricaded by soldiers.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Hold the door.

The door is hit from the outside. The soldiers press themselves against it to hold it closed.

INT – OUTSIDE THE DOOR

A wrecking ball crane is being operated by the Uruks, smashing against the door.

INT – HELM'S DEEP CASTLE

THEODEN (Joe)

The fortress is taken.

ARAGORN (Peter)

You said this fortress would never

fall while your men defend it.

THEODEN (Joe)

That was before we were attacked

by thousands of rabid fucking

psychotics.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Ride out. Ride out and meet them.

You can do it.

THEODEN (Joe)

I must be out of my frigging mind

but all right. The Horn of Helm

Hammerhand shall sound in the Deep

one last time.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Oh ya baby.

EXT – HELM HAMMERHAND STATUE - DAWN

Gimli runs up the stairs then stops when he sees the horn. It's a statue of Helm Hammerhand with his pants down. The mouthpiece is his penis.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Ya okay, I don't care if it IS a

statue, I'm still not puttin' my

lips on that thing.

Eowyn comes barging in and pushes past Gimli.

EOWYN (Hayley)

Oh for god's sakes. Get out of

my way.

Eowyn grabs the horn and blows it hard. The statue was carved with a big smile on its face. A LOUD BELLOW is heard throughout the keep.

INT – HELM'S DEEP CASTLE

Aragorn, Theoden, Legolas and other riders all stampede their horses out through the castle gates.

EXT – HELM'S DEEP RAMPART - DAWN

The riders fight as they go.

EXT – HELM'S DEEP - DAWN

The riders ride into the corwd of Uruks and become surrounded.

THEODEN (Joe)

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Aragorn looks up on the hill. Gandalf appears on Shadowfax.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Hey it's Gandalf. I forgot all

about him.

EXT – HILLSIDE - DAWN

GANDALF (Herbert)

Theoden king stands alone.

Eomer rides up beside Gandalf.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

EOMER (Steve)

Not alone. Rohirrim!

Other soldiers ride up beside them.

EOMER (Steve)

Time to kick some ass, wipe the

floor, lay down some smack, crack

some heads...

GANDALF (Herbert)

(interrupting)

Shut up and get your skinny ass

down there already.

Eomer draws his sword and holds it above his head.

EOMER (Steve)

Charge!

EXT – OUTSIDE HELM'S DEEP - DAWN

URUK

Hey look. Here come some more

horsies. Time for the stunt

guys.

The charge crashes into the Uruks. The horsemen are dummies riding wooden horses crashing into mannequins looking like Uruks. A battle ensues with closeups showing the actors hacking and chopping away at obviously fake enemies. Two Uruks stop fighting to talk to each other.

URUK

I've had enough exercise for today.

What do you say we go for a walk

under the trees?

The Uruks all run into the forest. Gandalf holds up his hand.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Do not follow them into the trees.

Suddenly the air is filled with URUK SCREAMS.

URUK (O.S.)

You know, I'm all for getting a

little wood once in awhile but

this is ridiculous. Augghhhhhh!

EXT – ROHAN RIDGE - DAY

Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Theoden and Eomer are standing side by side staring towards Mordor.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Saurons wrath will be terrible,

his retribution swift. The battle

for Helms Deep is over, the battle

for Middle-earth is about to

begin...

LONG PAUSE. Everyone continues staring at Mordor.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I didn't mean right now.

EVERYONE

Oh okay.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Anybody hungry?

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Ya I could eat.

THEODEN (Joe)

I have to go to the bathroom.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Any hot chicks around?

GANDALF (Herbert)

All our hopes now lie with two

little hobbits somewhere in the

wilderness.

EXT – ITHILIEN - DAY

Frodo, Sam and Gollum are traipsing through the woods. Frodo and Gollum are filthy. Sam is clean.

FRODO (Stewie)

Ugh. I'm so glad to be out of that

stink filled hole.

Frodo sniffs himself.

FRODO (Stewie)

Whew, I could really use a bath.

Lucky for you, you just wash

yourself with your tongue.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

Ya, like that went down smooth.

Sam takes a swig out of his flask, gargles with it then spits it out.

SAM (Brian)

That'll kill some of the taste.

Sam looks around through the trees.

SAM (Brian)

Hey Gollum. Where are you?

Gollum is ahead of them, slinking around in the trees, trying to scrape the shit off his feet.

GOLLUM (Roger)

God I hate those guys, making me

walk through that shit. I need to

get the precious so I can get out

of here. But how am I going to get

it? I need to kill them, kill them

both. But they've both got swords

and face it, I'm kinda wimpy.

Gollum thinks for a second.

GOLLUM (Roger)

I could let her do it. Yes, she'll

do it for sure. Besides, she owes

me for that horrible night of baby

sitting. All those little brats.

Then once the hobbits are dead, I

can take the precious for myself.

Once they're dead...

Gollum laughs an evil laugh. The sky darkens. THUNDER and lightning cut through the air. Gollum stops laughing, the storm quickly subsides.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Wow that was trippy.

Gollum puts on a cowboy hat and turns to the hobbits.

GOLLUM (Roger)

(singing offkey)

Come on boys,

We're east bound and down,

Loaded up and truckin',

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger) (CONT'D)

(singing offkey)

We gonna do what they say can't

be done.

We've got a long way to go,

And a short time to get there,

We're east bound,

Just watch ole bandit run.

SAM (Brian)

Oh crap, I think he's had a stroke.

Either that or he's high.

FRODO (Stewie)

Maybe but we've still got to

follow him.

Frodo pulls out a cowboy hat and puts it on.

FRODO (Stewie)

(singing offkey)

Keep your foot hard on the peddle,

Son never mind them brakes.

Let it all hang out,

Cause we've got a run to make.

SAM (Brian)

Great. I'm sneaking into Mordor

with a couple of American Idol

rejects.

CUT TO:

Photo/clip of William Hung

EXT – ITHILIEN - DAY

Sam takes another deep swig from his flask, sighs and heads off after Gollum and Frodo.

FADE OUT

THE END

"FAMILY GUY – LORD OF THE RINGS"

"The Return of the King"

by

Jeff Mitchell

Based on an original story by JRR Tolkien

and characters by Seth MacFarlane

November 2011

FADE UP

EXT – RIVER ANDUIN - DAY

GOLLUM and DEAGOL are fishing. Gollum has flesh makeup on to help make him look 'normal'. Deagol is showing Gollum how to fish.

DEAGOL

This is how you put a worm on the

hook.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Eww, I'm not touching that. Let's

just use a Cheeto instead.

Gollum puts an orange Cheeto on the hook and drops the line in the water. A fish bites Deagol's line and starts fighting. Deagol is extremely excited.

DEAGOL

I've got one! I've got one!

GOLLUM (Roger)

Pull it in. Stop making a fuss,

it's not Moby Dick.

Deagol continues struggling with it, making no progress.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Oh for god's sake. If you can't

bring it into the boat, go get it.

Gollum pushes Deagol overboard.

EXT – BOTTOM OF THE RIVER

Deagol sinks to the bottom, sees the ring and scoops it into his hand.

EXT – BANKS OF THE ANDUIN - DAY

Deagol swims to shore and climbs onto the bank. Behind him, Gollum rows the boat to shore and climbs out.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Thanks for leaving me out there

all by myself you son of a whore.

DEAGOL

Thanks for pushing me into the

water. And leave my mother's

career out of this.

Gollum sees the ring in Deagol's hand.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Hey, whatcha got there?

They both stare at the ring.

GOLLUM (Roger)

That should be mine.

DEAGOL

No it shouldn't.

GOLLUM (Roger)

You wouldn't have found it if I

hadn't pushed you out of the boat.

DEAGOL

That's no reason to give it to you.

GOLLUM (Roger)

It's my birthday.

DEAGOL

It is not.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Okay it's not. It was last week but

you still didn't get me a present

you cheap bastard.

DEAGOL

Finders keepers.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

Why don't we put it on eBay and

split whatever we get?

DEAGOL

No I'm keeping it.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Fine.

Gollum picks up a crowbar and smashes Deagol's head in with one hit. Gollum takes the ring.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Mine now bitch.

Montage of Gollum drinking and making out with the ring, turning himself into the gruesome image he now is.

EXT – ITHILIEN - DAWN

SAM and FRODO are sleeping in a hollow. Gollum pops his head in.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Get up you lazy twats, we've got

lots of walking to do.

Sam and Frodo awake groggily.

SAM (Brian)

Not until Mr. Frodo's had something

to eat.

CUT TO:

Frodo is eating. Sam is not.

FRODO (Stewie)

Are you not eating Sam?

SAM (Brian)

No I'm not hungry.

Sam's stomach GROWLS LOUDLY.

SAM (Brian)

That's just gas...

EXT – ISENGARD - DAY

GANDALF, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, THEODEN and EOMER arrive at Isengard riding horses. MERRY and PIPPIN are there, drinking and smoking, and are obviously drunk.

MERRY (Meg)

Welcome my lords, to Isengard.

Merry bowls over and vomits. Pippin vomits and passes out. Merry passes out on top of him.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Now that just turns me off.

Gandalf sighs.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Pick them up and put them on the

horses.

EXT – TOWER OF ORTHANC - DAY

Merry is riding behind Theoden, Pippin behind Aragorn. They stop at the bottom of the tower. Aragorn looks around.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Man, I haven't see this much brown

water since the last time my toilet

backed up.

EXT – TOP OF ORTHANC - DAY

SARUMAN and WORMTONGUE appear at the top of Orthanc.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

You have fought many wars and slain

many men Theoden King, and made

peace afterwards. Can we not have

peace you and I?

THEODEN (Joe)

We shall have peace. We shall have

peace when you answer for the

burning of the westfold and the

children that lie dead there. We

shall have peace when the lives

of the soldiers who died at the

Hornburg are avenged. When you hang

from a gibbet for the sport of your

own crows.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Theoden starts to lose it…

THEODEN (Joe)

(getting angrier)

When I come up there and wring

your scrawny neck. When I rip your

head off and shit down your throat.

When I cut your balls off and shove

them up your ass. When I...aughhhh.

A doctor and two orderlies come barging in with a needle and straightjacket. The doctor injects Theoden with a tranquilizer and the orderlies tie him up in the jacket.

THEODEN (Joe)

(much calmer, dazedlike)

...then we shall have peace...

THEODEN (Joe)

(starts blubbering)

I love you Saruman.

EXT - TOP OF ORTHANC - DAY

Wormtongue approaches Saruman's side. Saruman sees him and strikes him down.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Get down you mutt.

Wormtongue gets a hurt look on his face, pulls a knife and stabs Saruman in the back. Legolas shoots an arrow through Wormtongue's eye socket. It pops out the back of Wormtongue's head with the eyeball on the arrowhead. Saruman falls off the tower and bounces off every shelf and stone going down to the ground.

EXT – ORTHANC TOWER - DAY

Saruman lands on the waterwheel, upside down on his back. A palantir falls out of his robe into the water. The waterwheel begins to turn and Saruman goes underwater. It stops when the bottom half of his legs are still above water.

TREEBEARD (Cleveland)

The filth of Saruman is washing

away.

Saruman's legs are spread and a large air bubble pops up between his legs.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN (Peter)

Great, more brown water...

Pippin sees the palantir in the water.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Hey, a giant marble.

Pippin tries to get off the horse but falls into the water and lays there face down. There is a long, awkward pause and everyone stares at him, wondering what to do next.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Should somebody help him? He might

be drowning you know.

Pippin pops up with the palantir.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Look everybody, I found a dinosaur

egg.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I'll take that my lad.

Pippin reluctantly hands it to Gandalf.

GANDALF (Herbert)

(shaking his head)

A dinosaur egg...why are the cute

ones always so dumb?

EXT – ITHILIEN – NIGHT

Sam and Frodo are sleeping. Gollum is pacing about.

GOLLUM (Roger)

The thieves, they stole it from

me. I have to get it back. I have

to kill them, both of them.

Patience, patience. First I must

lead them to her. She must feed.

She likes fresh meat. I mean really,

who doesn't? Well, vegans I guess

but they're just weirdos. What's

wrong with eating cheese? You can

do so many things with it.

Sandwiches, hamburgers, salads,

apple pie, eat it by itself...

Gollum slaps himself.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

Get a grip. We go up, up, up the

stairs and then into the tunnel.

And after she eats the hobbits,

I'll get the precious back and it

will be all mine, mine, mine!

After the hobbits are DEAD!

Sam appears behind Gollum.

SAM (Brian)

You conniving little shit.

Sam attacks Gollum. They roll around on the ground, wrestling with each other. Frodo jumps up and grabs Sam.

FRODO (Stewie)

Sam! Stop it!

SAM (Brian)

I heard him. He means to murder us.

GOLLUM (Roger)

No, you just misheard me.

FRODO (Stewie)

See? You just misheard him.

SAM (Brian)

He's a villain Mr. Frodo, he's

like Darth Vader.

FRODO (Stewie)

Yes but technically you could

argue Vader was in fact the hero.

He destroyed the emperor and

brought balance to the Force as

foretold by the Prophecy of the

Chosen One.

SAM (Brian)

Ya but what about all the nasty

things he did between episodes

three and six? That was like

twenty-three years of being a

total dick.

FRODO (Stewie)

Sometimes you have to break a few

eggs to make an omelet you know.

SAM (Brian)

I still don't trust him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

Don't sweat it. We're almost into

Mordor, then we can blow him off.

Okay?

SAM (Brian)

Okay.

INT – EDORAS – NIGHT

Pippin is tossing and turning. He wakes up and goes for the palantir. When he reaches Gandalf, Gandalf is sleeping with his eyes open.

PIPPIN (Chris)

That's just so creepy.

Pippin takes the palantir over to the corner. He touches it and looks into it. Inside, Jeannie from I Dream of Genie is in there. She sees Pippin and begins a striptease. Pippin gets all hot and bothered and cries out.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Oh my god this is great.

MERRY (Meg)

You are such a pervert.

Aragorn comes and grabs the palantir from Pippin. He then stares into it. Gandalf grabs it away from Aragorn and wraps it in his robe.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Awww...

Gandalf looks over Pippin.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Look at me. What did you see?

PIPPIN (Chris)

Nothing. Honest, I had my eyes

closed the whole time.

Gandalf stares at him intently, then gets up and walks over to Aragorn.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Well?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

Don't worry, he's still a virgin.

Merry giggles.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Ya, like you're not?

Merry starts to cry.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Stop blubbering and take it like

a man.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I ride for Minas Tirith.

Gandalf turns and stares at Pippin.

GANDALF (Herbert)

And I won't be going alone.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Oh fucking hell, are you kidding

me? No way, no way man, I'm not

riding alone with him.

MERRY (Meg)

Take it like a man Pippin. Bend

over and take it like a man.

Pippin stares at Merry then punches him squarely in the face and knocks him out.

EXT – EDORAS – DAY

Gandalf rides out of Edoras on SHADOWFAX with Chris in front of him.

PIPPIN (Chris)

(yelling back at those remaining)

You're all dead you fuckers. You

hear me? Dead!

EXT – PLAINS - DAY

Gandalf and Pippin are galloping on the horse. Gandalf's hair is flowing in the wind. They ride through a stream and become all wet. Gandalf whips his wet hair around sexily. Pippin pulls out his cell phone and dials 911. Gandalf slaps it away. Pippin reaches for it in vain.

EXT – OUTSIDE MINAS TIRITH - DAY

Gandalf and Pippin arrive at Minas Tirith. Shadowfax is sagging badly under the weight of Gandalf and Pippin. Shadowfax looks way up to the top of the city.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Come on Shadowfax, let's go.

SHADOWFAX

I've been carrying your fat asses

for three days and now you want me

to climb all those stairs? Forget

it.

Shadowfax takes them to an elevator and presses the button. The door opens and they enter the elevator.

INT – ELEVATOR

SHADOWFAX

Top floor please.

An elevator operator closes the iron gate and turns a lever to start the elevator. BAD ELEVATOR MUSIC is playing. They get off at the top floor.

EXT – OUTSIDE THE THRONE ROOM - DAY

PIPPIN (Chris)

Thanks for the ride Shadowfax.

SHADOWFAX

No problem. Now excuse me while I

go find a chiropractor.

Shadowfax slouches away.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Lord Denethor is the steward of

Gondor, not the king. He is

Boromir's father so do not say

anything about Boromir's death.

Or Frodo. Or the Ring. Or Aragorn.

Now I'm starting to wonder why

the hell I even brought you.

PIPPIN (Chris)

You think I'm cute.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Right. Just keep your piehole shut.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

They enter the building.

INT – THRONE ROOM RECEPTION

A secretary, MONEYPENNY, is sitting at a desk outside the throne room.

MONEYPENNY

Sorry, you can't go in unless you

have an appointment.

Gandalf waves his hand in front of Moneypenny like a Jedi.

GANDALF (Herbert)

We have an appointment.

MONEYPENNY

No you don't.

Gandalf waves his hand again.

GANDALF (Herbert)

We do have an appointment.

MONEYPENNY

No you don't. This ain't Blue

Harvest. You don't have any mind

powers here old man.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Fine.

Gandalf whacks the secretary over the head with his staff.

GANDALF (Herbert)

What a pain in the ass. Is it any

wonder there's hardly any women in

this series?

INT – THRONE ROOM

Gandalf and Pippin approach DENETHOR. Denethor is slumped forward so his face is not visible.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Hail Denethor, Steward of Gondor.

I come with counsel in this dark

hour.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Denethor looks up. It's Stan wearing a false nose, moustache and glasses kit.

DENETHOR (Stan)

Perhaps you've come to explain to

me why my son was killed off at

the end of part one, when he was

clearly the better warrior.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Uhhh...

PIPPIN (Chris)

Boromir died saving my ass from a

bunch of orcs. But then we got

caught anyways so I guess he didn't

really do a very good job did he?

DENETHOR (Stan)

Why you little...

GANDALF (Herbert)

So we're here to help you get your

shit together cause its obvious you

haven't done much despite the fact

that Mordor is about to swarm

across the river and attack you.

DENETHOR (Stan)

I don't need your help Gandalf.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Maybe not but I'd like to offer

you MY services if I can.

GANDALF (Herbert)

We rode together for three days,

you never offered ME any of your

services.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Piss off.

DENETHOR (Stan)

Very well. Go get some armor and

a weapon.

EXT – MINAS TIRITH BALCONY - DUSK

Gandalf and Pippin are on the balcony. Pippin is looking over his armor. Gandalf is smoking a pipe.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

PIPPIN (Chris)

They don't really expect me to wear

this do they?

GANDALF (Herbert)

If you're having trouble getting

into it, I could grease you up.

Gandalf coughs at the smoke from his pipe.

PIPPIN (Chris)

I hope you choke on it old man.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Watch your mouth, or I'll give you

something to choke on all right.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Give it a rest you two and get on

with the scene.

Pippin walks over beside Gandalf at the railing.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Gandalf, is there any hope for Sam

and Frodo?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Only a fool's hope. And soon Mordor

will send its armies against Gondor.

PIPPIN (Chris)

But we have the White Wizard.

That's got to count for something.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Perhaps. But Sauron has yet to

unleash his deadliest servant, the

one they say no living man can

kill.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Larry King?

GANDALF (Herbert)

No, the Witchking of Angmar. And

he's one badass mother fucker.

Minas Morgul is his lair.

CUT TO: MINAS MORGUL SWIMMING POOL - DAY

The WITCHKING is lounging around in the pool with a bathing suit and his helmet on. A bevy of BEAUTIES are frolicking about the pool. A cell phone RINGS on the table beside him. The call display says 'Sauron'. The Witchking answers it.

WITCHKING (Death)

Hello?...Oh, it's you...What, right now?...Can't you give me a couple

of hours? I have company...All

right, fine. Bye bye.

He hangs up the phone.

WITCHKING (Death)

What an asshole. I finally get

some chicks over to my place and

I get called to go to work. Life

just ain't fair. All right ladies,

time to clear out.

BEAUTIES

Awww...

WITCHKING (Death)

Sorry but I have to go to work.

Come back later this week.

The ladies all leave. The Witchking turns and looks at the mess around his pool, towels are lying everywhere, drink glasses, empty plates, pool toys. He begins tidying up.

WITCHKING (Death)

Consuela!...Consuela!

CONSUELA appears.

CONSUELA

Yes Mr. Death?

WITCHKING (Death)

I have to go. Can you clean this

up for me? Thanks.

The Witchking leaves. Consuela stares at the mess for a moment then pulls a mask off to reveal an ORC underneath.

ORC

Screw this. I got better things to

do.

The orc leaves as well.

EXT – MINAS MORGUL - NIGHT

Sam, Frodo and Gollum are sneaking along the pathway in front of Minas Morgul. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME is playing in the background.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Minas Morgul. That used to be

quite the party place back in

the seventies. One time there was

this orc who did imitations of

Sauron. He was hilarious, at least

until Sauron caught him one night,

shoved a spear up his ass like a

shish kebab and served him as an

hors d'oeuvre.

FRODO (Stewie)

Is that where we're going?

GOLLUM (Roger)

Oh no. I'm not allowed in there.

They may be orcs but they still

don't take kindly to people

pissing in the punch bowl,

regardless of how drunk they are.

We're climbing up the stairs.

There is an old wrinkly set of stairs built into the rock face.

FRODO (Stewie)

Good god, we have to climb that?

GOLLUM (Roger)

I'm sorry, I'll go turn on the

escalator. Yes we have to climb

that. Now let's go. Come on

Tenzing.

A Sherpa begins leading them up the stairs. Suddenly a SHARP CRY comes out of Minas Morgul and a brilliant GREEN BEAM OF LIGHT shoots to the sky.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Oooh, pretty.

EXT – MINAS TIRITH BALCONY - NIGHT

Gandalf and Pippin see the light shoot up.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Look! God has a lightsaber!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

We really need to get you a

girlfriend.

EXT – MINAS MORGUL - NIGHT

The castle gates open and an orc army begins marching out. Overhead a Nazgul flies out on a giant pigeon and lands on a tower spire. An ORC marching below gets a little pigeon poop dropped on him.

ORC

Oh gross.

The orc looks up.

ORC

Hey thanks dickhead. I'm trying to

go to war and you mess up my

uniform. Who's going to pay for

my dry cleaning jerkoff?

A giant glob of pigeon poop comes down and completely drowns the orc.

EXT – MOUNTAIN STAIRWAY - NIGHT

The hobbits continue their climb. They're tied together with ropes and breathing oxygen tanks.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Come on hobbits. We've got a long

way to go before we get to the

tunnel.

SAM (Brian)

What's in this tunnel?

GOLLUM (Roger)

Lollipops and teddy bears. It's a

tunnel dumbass. It's a big, long

empty passageway, kinda like your

anus after a big night of curried

broccoli.

SAM (Brian)

So help me, if anything happens

to Mr. Frodo...

GOLLUM (Roger)

You'll what?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

You'll have me to answer to.

GOLLUM (Roger)

That's it? You'll have me to

answer to? No death threats?

No 'I'm going to cut your balls

off and feed them to you'?

Sam glances down at Gollum's crotch.

SAM (Brian)

Well...technically, you don't

really have any genitalia to cut

off do you?

GOLLUM (Roger)

Long story, no time to tell it.

But if that's the best threat

you've got, no wonder you're the

sidekick.

Gollum turns and continues climbing. Frodo comes back down to talk to Sam.

FRODO (Stewie)

What was that about?

SAM (Brian)

Nothing. Just comparing who's

genitals were bigger. I won.

Frodo looks down at Sam's crotch.

FRODO (Stewie)

That mustn't have been much of a

contest.

SAM (Brian)

Screw you needle dick.

Sam pushes past Frodo.

FRODO (Stewie)

I never said I WOULD HAVE WON.

EXT – MINAS TIRITH STREETS - MORNING

Gandalf is walking quickly through the streets of Minas Tirith. Pippin is following him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

Now Pippin, I have a task for you.

One that you must not fail.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Oh crap.

GANDALF (Herbert)

I need you to start a fire.

PIPPIN (Chris)

You mean I get to play with

matches?

GANDALF (Herbert)

You must climb to the top of the

mountain and light the beacon.

They both look WAY UP at the beacon.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Sorry dude. Sir Edmund Hillary I

ain't.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Listen you little pork rind, you're

going to hustle your chubby white

ass up this mountain or I'm going

to put you over my knee.

Pippin freaks out at that thought.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Yes sir!

Pippin takes off climbing like a mountain goat.

EXT – OSGILIATH – RIVER - NIGHT

Orcs are rowing across the river in boats. GOTHMOG is in the lead boat.

ROWING COX (O.S.)

Stroke. Stroke. Stroke.

A Harvard rowing team begins to overtake them. The Harvard ROWERS look over at the orc boats.

HARVARD ROWER

Geez, that Oxford team is certainly

looking shabby this year.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOTHMOG

Shut them up.

A slew of arrows fill the sky and the Harvard team floats by, dead.

EXT – OSGILIATH TOWER OVERLOOKING THE RIVER - NIGHT

Two GONDORIAN SOLDIERS are manning a radar station in a tower. The radar shows several blips onscreen.

GONDORIAN SOLDIER ONE

Hey, what do you make of that?

GONDORIAN SOLDIER TWO

Probably just that flight of B17s

from the mainland.

An arrow flies in and kills Gondorian Soldier Two. Gondorian Soldier One grabs the radio microphone.

GONDORIAN SOLDIER ONE

Air raid on Osgiliath. This is no

drill.

INT – OSGILIATH – ROOM

Faramir is sitting around playing Dungeons and Dragons with some soldiers. Another SOLDIER runs up.

GONDORIAN RANGER

Lord Faramir, the city is under attack.

FARAMIR (Neil)

But I just became a twenty fourth

level knight. I can finally use

my magical sword to slay the troll

and be a hero!

A real troll breaks into the room screaming.

TROLL

Arrgghhhh...

FARAMIR (Neil)

Holy shit, it's a troll! Run!

Faramir and the soldiers bolt out of the room.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GONDORIAN RANGER

But Faramir, we must defend the

city.

FARAMIR Neil)

Screw that. I'm heading back to

Minas Tirith. You with me or what?

Faramir flees. The soldier stares after him, looks back towards the troll then chases after Faramir.

EXT – MINAS TIRITH – BEACON - NIGHT

Pippin finally arrives at the beacon, exhausted and sweating profusely.

PIPPIN (Chris)

I think I would have fared better

if I had stayed with Gandalf. At

least only my butt would be sore.

Pippin reaches up, dumps the pot of oil on the pyre and drop the lantern on it. The fire engulfs the wood as Pippin climbs back down.

SERIES OF SHOTS - OTHER BEACONS BEING LIT

A) A soldier lights another pyre with a burning lamp.

B) A soldier lights another pyre with a burning lamp.

C) A soldier lights another pyre with a flamethrower.

D) A soldier turns on a flashlight, waves it around.

E) A soldier shakes up a bottle of lightning bugs.

F) A soldier breaks a glow stick and holds it up.

G) A soldier turns on the headlights on his car.

H) A soldier turns on the bulb in a lighthouse.

I) A soldier turns on the bat signal.

EXT – EDORAS - MORNING

Aragorn is sitting on the steps. He looks up and sees the bat signal. He runs across Edoras towards Meduseld. He trips on the steps and hurts his knee.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Oww...oww...oww...oww...etc

INT – MEDUSELD

Aragorn rushes in.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN (Peter)

The beacons of Wayne Manor. The

beacons are lit. Gondor calls

for aid.

Theoden is sitting on his throne. An ASSISTANT grabs him under his arms from behind and lifts him up to full stature.

THEODEN (Joe)

(proudly)

And Rohan will answer. Muster

the Rohirrim.

The assistant lets go of Theoden and raises his arms in cheer.

ASSISTANT

Yaaaaay...!

Theoden falls flat on his face.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Maybe you should just stay here.

INT – MINAS TIRITH

Faramir is standing before Denethor.

DENETHOR (Stan)

You sent the ring of power into

Mordor? What kind of idiot are

you? Boromir would have remembered

his father's need. He would have

brought me a kingly gift.

FARAMIR (Neil)

No he would have fallen under the

power of the ring and kept it for

himself.

DENETHOR (Stan)

No he wouldn't.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Yes he would.

DENETHOR (Stan)

(angrier)

No he wouldn't.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FARAMIR (Neil)

Yes he would.

DENETHOR (Stan)

(angrier still)

No he wouldn't.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Yes he...

DENETHOR (Stan)

(loses it)

No he wouldn't have you snot-nosed

little ginger! Boromir was loyal

to me. He was loyal and brave and

handsome, and, and everyone liked

him and women wanted to sleep with

him.

FARAMIR (Neil)

Ya...okay. I'm going to go now.

Faramir backs away from Denethor until he exits out the door, the whole time Denethor is expounding the virtues of Boromir.

DENETHOR (Stan)

Boromir was a man's man, a real

warrior and hero. He didn't have

to play second fiddle to Aragorn

you know.

INT – MINAS TIRITH HALLWAY

FARAMIR (Neil)

What a tool. I'm going for a nap.

EXT – MOUNTAIN STAIRS LANDING – NIGHT (IN MORDOR)

Sam and Frodo are sleeping. Gollum is sitting awake, knitting.

GOLLUM (Roger)

God I'm bored. I wonder if there's

anything to eat?

Gollum rummages through the bag. He pulls out the lembas.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

Ugh, lembas. Those Lothlorien

elves could learn a few things

from the Keeblers.

Gollum tosses the lembas away and continues rummaging.

GOLLUM (Roger)

I'm sure I saw Sam with some Jack

Daniels in here.

Sam wakes up.

SAM (Brian)

Hey, what do you think you're

doing?

Frodo is awakened by the yelling.

FRODO (Stewie)

What's going on?

SAM (Brian)

He's stealing our stuff.

Frodo takes the bag and looks inside.

FRODO (Stewie)

All our food is gone!

SAM (Brian)

He ate it.

FRODO (Stewie)

He can't have eaten it. It makes

him sick. Don't you remember in

the swamp?

CUT TO: SWAMP - DAY

Sam and Frodo standing by helplessly as Gollum vomits profusely.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Oh mother of god, kill me!

EXT – MOUNTAIN STAIRS LANDING – NIGHT (IN MORDOR)

GOLLUM (Roger)

I think Lassie here's been snacking

behind your back.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

I have not.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Ya I think you have.

SAM (Brian)

You lying little bastard.

Sam attacks Gollum and starts beating him. Frodo stands by watching.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Augghhh. Aren't you going to stop

him?

FRODO (Stewie)

Yes but you've been kinda mouthy

lately so I'm going to give him

a couple of minutes first.

Sam continues kicking the crap out of Gollum.

FRODO (Stewie)

Okay Brian, er, Sam, that's enough.

Sam doesn't stop.

FRODO (Stewie)

Sam I said stop!

Sam doesn't stop. Frodo pulls Sam off Gollum.

FRODO (Stewie)

That does it. You're getting a

time out. Back down to the bottom

of the stairs and stay there until

I need you to come rescue me. Come

on Gollum.

Frodo and Gollum continue climbing. Sam begins to climb down the stairs.

EXT – DUNHARROW - DAY

Theoden and Aragorn are riding through the camp.

THEODEN (Joe)

Is this all that showed up? Where

are the riders from Snowbourn?

CUT TO: SNOWBOURN

A group of SNOWBOURN RIDERS are stuck in the deep snow with just their heads and the horse's heads sticking out of the snow.

SNOWBOURN RIDER

Screw this. I'm going back to bed.

EXT – DUNHARROW - DAY

ARAGORN (Peter)

We don't have enough men to break

the lines of Mordor.

THEODEN (Joe)

Relax. More will come. We're signing

up new recruits even as we speak.

They ride past a lineup of men: Cowboys, German soldiers, bikers, Mexicans, civil war soldiers, Arabs, KKK. (lineup as in Blazing Saddles)

INT – DUNHARROW TENT

Eowyn is outfitting Merry with armor and a weapon. Merry swings the weapon.

EOWYN (Hayley)

Yo. Watch it bitch.

MERRY (Meg)

It's not even that sharp.

EOWYN (Hayley)

Go get it sharpened.

Eowyn hustles Merry outside.

EXT – DUNHARROW TENT - NIGHT

Eomer and another soldier are sitting by the fire. Merry runs off. Eowyn stops behind Eomer.

EOMER (Steve)

You should not encourage him. When

the fear of war takes him and the

blood and the screams and the

horror of battle take hold...do

you think he will stand and fight?

War is the province of real men

Eowyn.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Eomer and Eowyn stare at each other. A spider drops down between the two of them

EOMER (Steve)

Augghh, a spider!

Eomer runs off screaming.

INT – DUNHARROW TENT

Aragorn is sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper. A UPS guy sticks his head in.

UPS GUY

Delivery for a Mr. Aragorn.

He hands Aragorn a letter. Aragorn opens the letter. It forms a mouth and starts talking.

ELROND (Adam West) (V.O)

Dear schmuck who's trying to bang

my daughter. A secret fleet is

coming up the river. You need more

men.

ARAGORN (Peter)

But there aren't any.

ELROND (Adam West) (V.O)

There are those who live under

the mountains.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Dolly Parton's feet?

ELROND (Adam West) (V.O)

They will answer to the king of

Gondor. Now go.

Aragorn stands up from the toilet and salutes the letter. His pants are around his ankles.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Yes sir.

EXT – DUNHARROW - NIGHT

Aragorn is getting on his horse. Gimli and Legolas approach.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Where are you off to?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Elrond wants me to take the

dimbulb road.

Legolas climbs onto his horse.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

And we're coming too.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

The hell we are!

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Shut up and get on the horse

already.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

You are such a douche you know

that.

Gimli climbs on behind Legolas.

EXT – DIMHOLT ROAD - DAY

The three companions are riding along.

EXT – DIMHOLT DOOR - DAY

They arrive at the Dimholt door.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

We have to go in there?

ARAGORN (Peter)

Yep.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

But it's so dark.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

What'sa matter? Afraid we won't

see you?

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Up yours honkey.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN (Peter)

Its okay, I brought my solar

powered flashlight.

Aragorn turns on the flashlight and the three of them enter the cave.

INT – DIMHOLT CAVE

Aragorn's flashlight dies.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Huh. I guess solar powered

flashlights don't work

underground. Who would've

guessed?

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Anyone over the age of six.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Or an IQ of twelve.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Good thing I stole this from one

of the prop guys.

Aragorn turns on a disco ball that lights up the tunnel. The trio continues walking through the cave.

EXT – DUNHARROW – MORNING

The Rider of Rohan are heading out. Theoden stops in front of Merry.

THEODEN (Joe)

Sorry squirt, you're too little to

ride into battle with us. But if

you want, you could make us some

soup and sandwiches for when we

get back. See you later.

Theoden charges on.

MERRY (Meg)

Oooh...god I hate men.

Suddenly Merry is scooped up and placed in front of a rider, Eowyn in disguise.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

EOWYN (Hayley)

I hate men too. But this time

we're going to show them. We're

going to war.

MERRY (Meg)

Actually I'm quite happy to make

some snacks for after the battle.

EOWYN (Hayley)

No Merry. Today we ride to honor

and glory! We're gonna kick some

ass or die trying!

MERRY (Meg)

(quietly)

Damn feminist.

Merry and Eowyn charge off after the rest of the Rohirrim.

INT – GHOST KING REALM

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are walking through the dark with only the disco ball to light the way. They hear a cracking noise as they walk. Aragorn stops and looks down. He sees the skulls they're walking on.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Do not look down.

Gimli slowly looks down.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Oh man, this just ain't right.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Maybe so but it's still not as bad

as when we were walking through

Moria and you slipped on the

stairs.

CUT TO:

The Fellowship is climbing some stairs in Moria. Gimli slips and falls. There are two outhouses side by side, one labeled Orcs, the other Goblins. He crashes through the roof of the Goblin outhouse and splashes down inside.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GIMLI (Cleveland)

(frantic)

OH MY GOD! AUGGGHH...What the hell

do those goblins eat?

INT – GHOST KING REALM

The trio enter the throne room of the GHOST KING.

GHOST KING (Phony Guy)

Who are you? What do you want?

You're not with the INS are you?

ARAGORN (Peter)

No. Fight for me and I will

release you from this living

death for I am Isildur's heir.

GHOST KING (Phony Guy)

No you're not, you're a phony,

a big fat phony.

ARAGORN (Peter)

I may be big and fat but I am not

a phony.

GHOST KING (Phony Guy)

If you are Isildur's heir, show me

your birth certificate.

ARAGORN (Peter)

I don't have one. I only have a

certificate of live birth from

Hawaii.

GHOST KING (Phony Guy)

Then you're a phony. Get him!

A group of ghosts appear and close in around the trio. Aragorn pulls out his sword, sticks it in the ghost king's crotch. The ghost king inhales sharply. Aragorn grabs the ghost king's throat in his hand.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Listen asswipe, Gondor is under

attack and we need some help. I

don't have any time for fucking

around. Are you going to help

or not?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GHOST KING (Phony Guy)

(weakly)

Sure...we were just going to clean

out the garage this afternoon,

maybe pull some weeds.

CUT TO:

MR. WEED sitting behind his desk at work.

MR WEED

(smiling coyly)

Now that I like the sound of.

EXT – RIVER ANDUIN - DAY

A fleet of corsairs is sailing up the river. The lead ship is the Black Pearl.

EXT – BANK OF THE ANDUIN - DAY

Aragorn, Gimlu and Legolas are standing side by side.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Hey, you pirates, you will not

enter Gondor.

EXT – DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL - DAY

A PIRATE stares back at Aragorn.

PIRATE (Johnny Depp/Capt Jack)

Who are you? My mother?

The rest of the pirates laugh.

EXT – BANK OF THE ANDUIN - DAY

ARAGORN (Peter)

Legolas, fire a warning shot past

his ear.

Legolas strings an arrow and aims. Gimli pinches/gooses Legolas's butt. Legolas loses his aim and releases the arrow.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Hey, only chicks are allowed to

do that.

EXT – DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL - DAY

The arrow hits PETER JACKSON in the crotch and he keels over.

EXT – BANK OF THE ANDUIN - DAY

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

That'll teach him to mess with the

original story.

The Ghost King appears beside Aragorn.

GHOST KING (Phony Guy)

Is it our turn yet?

EXT – DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL - DAY

PIRATE (Johnny Depp/Capt Jack)

Hey look, they have a ghost

with them.

A short, chubby lady in glasses (ZELDA RUBENSTEIN, TANGINA from Poltergeist) swaggers up beside the Captain.

TANGINA (Zelda Rubinstein)

A ghost? Don't worry, I can take

care of a ghost for you.

EXT – BANK OF THE ANDUIN - DAY

ARAGORN (Peter)

Get 'em boys.

The dead army swarm out of the mountain and cross the water to the ships.

EXT – DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL - DAY

TANGINA (Zelda Rubinstein)

Holy shit! You're on your own.

Tangina turns, runs across to the other side of the ship, dives overboard and swims away. The pirate watches her swim away then turns to face the army of the dead. He voids his bowels.

PIRATE (Johnny Depp/Capt Jack)

Oh bugger...

EXT – MINAS TIRITH - DAY

An army of orcs and trolls are marching towards Minas Tirith. In the middle is a group of orcs dressed as a high school marching band playing a MARCHING SONG. Gothmog approaches the wall.

GOTHMOG

Surrender or die.

A FRENCH GUARD with a French accent appears on the wall.

FRENCH GUARD (John Cleese/Holy Grail)

You don't frighten us, Orcish

pig-dogs. Go and boil your

bottoms, sons of a silly person.

I blow my nose at you, so called

Orc king, you and your silly

Orcish kaniggets. Thhpppt.

Gothmog straightens himself up and stands almost regally.

GOTHMOG

(proper English accent)

Now look here my good man...

GUARD (John Cleese/Holy Grail)

I don't want to talk to you no

more, you empty headed animal

trough whopper. I fart in your

general direction! Your mother

was a hamster and your father

smelled of elderberries.

GOTHMOG

(back to normal voice)

Enough talk. Fire the catapults!

The catapults launch a series of rocks against the walls of Minas Tirith.

INT – SCULPTOR'S ROOM

A SCULPTOR is finishing his statue of the Venus de Milo with outstretched arms. A NUDE MODEL is posing for the statue with her arms outstretched as well.

SCULPTOR

Finally! After six years of work,

my masterpiece!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

A rock from a catapult comes flying through the window and knocks the arms off the statue.

NUDE MODEL

Oh dear, I guess you're going to

have to start all over.

The sculptor stares at the model in disbelief. He then grabs a knife and cuts off her two arms to match the statue.

EXT – THE TUNNEL – NIGHT (IN MORDOR)

Gollum and Frodo arrive at the opening to the tunnel. Some bushes are growing around the top of the tunnel. Frodo smells the air.

FRODO (Stewie)

Ugh. What's that stench? Smells

like dead fish.

Gollum pauses then looks at the camera.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Figure it out for yourself. I'm

not touching that one.

Gollum runs into the tunnel. Frodo follows behind slowly.

INT - TUNNEL

Frodo slowly navigates the pathways. Frodo hears a noise and freezes.

FRODO (Stewie)

What's that?

A SUBWAY TRAIN goes screaming by in a cross tunnel.

FRODO (Stewie)

Gollum?

Frodo slowly creeps along then stops. He sees a skeleton tied up in a web. He approaches it, pulls out a wallet and looks inside.

FRODO (Stewie)

Well what do you know, Chester

Copperpot.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

There's a HISS behind Frodo. He turns and sees a giant spider.

FRODO (Stewie)

Augghhhhhh...

CHARLOTTE

Hello, I'm Charlotte.

FRODO (Stewie)

Uh, hi I'm Frodo.

CHARLOTTE

Can you do me a favor? I need to

get out to the store. Can you baby

sit my three hundred babies for me?

FRODO (Stewie)

Auggghh. No get away from me.

Frodo runs away. Charlotte begins chasing him.

CHARLOTTE

Wait, come back.

Frodo runs down a narrow tunnel and gets caught in a web. He struggles but can't get out.

FRODO (Stewie)

Ugh this is all sticky and gross.

Now I know what it feels like to

be Ron Jeremy's underwear.

CHARLOTTE (O.S.)

I'm going to find you.

Frodo struggles harder and escapes out of the web.

EXT – SMALL CLEARING - NIGHT

Frodo climbs out of a small tunnel. Charlotte drops down in front of him.

FRODO (Stewie)

Now look here, leave me alone or

I'm calling the cops.

CHARLOTTE

Okay, I'll leave you alone. You

can go.

FRODO (Stewie)

Thank you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Frodo walks past Charlotte. As he passes her, she sticks a hypodermic needle into his butt and he passes out. Charlotte wraps him in a web. Sam appears.

SAM (Brian)

Get away from him you filth.

Charlotte drops Frodo onto the ground.

FRODO (Stewie)

(muffled)

Ouch! God, I feel like a giant

condom.

Charlotte puts on a pair of boxing gloves.

CHARLOTTE

I'm gonna bust you up.

SAM (Brian)

Go for it.

Charlotte and Sam spar for a while until Brian gets tired. He pulls a can of Raid out of his pocket and sprays Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE

Auuggghh...eye wash fountain...eye

wash fountain.

Charlotte runs off into a tunnel. Sam runs to Frodo and grabs him in his arms.

SAM (Brian)

Wake up Mr. Frodo. Don't go where

I can't follow.

CUT TO:

Frodo is entering a water park. There's a sign that says no dogs allowed. Sam sits down dejectedly on the sidewalk.

EXT – SMALL CLEARING - NIGHT

Sam is holding Frodo.

SAM (Brian)

Well, if you're dead, you won't be

needing any of this.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Sam takes Frodo's money and the ring. Sting begins to glow blue.

SAM (Brian)

Shit. Orcs.

Sam runs and hides. A MORDOR ORC and CIRITH UNGOL ORC arrive and see Frodo wrapped up.

MORDOR ORC

What's this? Another dead

babysitter?

The Mordor orc pokes Frodo.

CIRITH UNGOL ORC

No. This one's still alive.

SAM (Brian)

(whispering to himself)

Still alive? Damn that means I

have to give his money back.

CIRITH UNGOL ORC

Sometimes she sticks 'em with

Ecstasy then has her way with

them later.

MORDOR ORC

But he's limp as a bonefish.

CIRITH UNGOL ORC

Later she shoves a blue pill up

their ass and they're ready to go.

Let's get this one back to the

tower.

They pick up Frodo and carry him off.

EXT – MINAS TIRITH - NIGHT

Grond is smashing the front door. Gandalf rides to the front gate.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Okay, all you little soldier boys

line up in front of the gate.

The soldiers line up with their spears pointed towards the gate.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GANDALF (Herbert)

No matter what comes through that

gate, you will stand your ground.

Grond breaks through the gate, the gate crashes down and in charges a group of old women waving their purses in the air.

GONDORIAN PIKEMAN

It's the Batley Townswoman's Guild!

Run!

The old women overrun the soldiers. Orcs swarm in and join the battle. They battle fiercely for a few moments then...

DENETHOR (Stan) (O.S.)

No! No! I won't do it.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Yes you will.

The battle stops and everyone stares offscreen. Denethor walks on set followed by the director.

DENETHOR (Stan)

I don't care. I'm not committing

suicide.

DIRECTOR

It's in the script.

DENETHOR (Stan)

I don't give a rat's ass. I already

died once, I'm not doing it again.

Nobody else from the Fellowship dies.

DIRECTOR

Gandalf dies.

DENETHOR (Stan)

Oh please, don't even start with

that. He dies but then he gets

brought back to life. What's up

with that?

DIRECTOR

Stan please...

DENETHOR (Stan)

Tell you what. I'm supposed to be

dead so how about I just disappear.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

DENETHOR (Stan) (CONT'D)

I quit. Up yours. And tell McFarlane,

If he ever gets any more lame brained

ideas to do another spoof, count me

out. Prick.

Stan storms off. Everyone looks around. The Director exits the screen.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Action.

Everyone starts fighting again.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Retreat. Retreat to the second

level.

The soldiers and Gandalf run away.

EXT – SECOND LEVEL DOOR - DAWN

The soldiers barricade the door. Gandalf sits down with Pippin.

PIPPIN (Chris)

I didn't think it would end this

way.

GANDALF (Herbert)

End? Hell no the journey doesn't

end here.

PIPPIN (Chris)

It doesn't?

GANDALF (Herbert)

No. The curtain rolls back, turns

to silver glass and then you see

it. A far green country under a

swift sunrise.

PIPPIN (Chris)

That doesn't sound so bad.

GANDALF (Herbert)

It isn't. And all the young men

frolicking about the rolling hills

in their little G-strings...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

PIPPIN (Chris)

Ah geez dude...can't you just let

it go for once.

The Witchking of Angmar flies in on his pigeon and lands on the ledge beside Gandalf and Pippin.

PIPPIN (Chris)

Oh thank god. Hey, can you fly me

outta here?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Sit down Pippin.

Gandalf gets up, pushes Pippin behind him and confronts the Witchking.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Go back to the abyss.

WITCHKING (Death)

Do you not know Death when you see

it old man? Or do you still have

those cataracts I told you to get

fixed last year.

GANDALF (Herbert)

No my eyes are fine, just a little

forgetful that's all. Bring it

on bitch.

Gandalf raises his staff in front of himself.

WITCHKING (Death)

As you wish.

The Witchking raises his flaming sword and sends a bolt at Gandalf which shatters his staff.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Oh you asshole. That was a

collector's item. I got that at

Comic-con last year.

WITCHKING (Death)

Did you have a certificate of

authenticity?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Yes.

WITCHKING (Death)

Oh...sorry. Now prepare to die!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Far off a HORN is heard. The Witchking turns and looks.

WITCHKING (Death)

That sounds like a foxhunt. Cool.

I gotta check this out. Catch up

with you later.

The Witchking flies off.

EXT – PELENNOR FIELD IN FRONT OF MINAS TIRITH - DAY

The Rohirrim arrive at the battle. Gothmog sees them. The orc army is unorganized.

GOTHMOG

Form ranks you faggots. Form

ranks.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Cut.

GOTHMOG

What?

The director walks over to Gothmog.

DIRECTOR

It's maggot, not faggot. You can't

say faggot on television. You're

going to get us in trouble.

GOTHMOG

Sorry. It's the mask. I must've

misread the line.

DIRECTOR

That's okay. Do it again.

The director walks off.

GOTHMOG

Form ranks you maggots. Form

ranks.

The orcs form up with pikes in front, archers behind. An ORC PIKEMAN has a GAY PRIDE ORC behind him.

PIKEMAN

Um...can I trade places with

someone?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GAY PRIDE ORC

(playfully)

Oh you silly buns, just stay where

you are.

The pikeman nervously turns back around to face the Rohirrim.

GAY PRIDE ORC

(in a much more forceful, deeper voice)

Now bend over...

EXT – NORTH PELENNOR FIELDS - DAY

Theoden rides along the front of his troops.

THEODEN (Joe)

Arise Riders of Theoden. Spears

shall be shaken, shields shall

be splintered, a sword day, a

red day...ere the sun rises.

Theoden rides back, his sword drawn, clanging it against the spear tips as he rides.

THEODEN (Joe)

Ride now, ride now.

As he does this, the spear tips are being cut off by his sword, leaving just a big stick. Several of the riders are Scots from Braveheart, including WILLIAM WALLACE.

WILLIAM WALLACE

Seriously? What kind of military

leader disables his troops right

before heading into battle? He

must be English, probably from

Manchester.

THEODEN (Joe)

Charge!

The Rohirrim charge the army of orcs.

EXT – PELENNOR FIELD IN FRONT OF MINAS TIRITH - DAY

The orc army is preparing itself for the onslaught.

ORC

Quick. We should lay on the ground.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ORC (CONT'D)

I watched that movie 'Gandhi' the

other night and they said horses

won't run over you if you're laying

down.

Several orcs lay down on their stomachs. The horses ride over top of them, mangling them completely. The riders continue into the crowd of orcs, beheading and cutting them down as they ride.

EOMER (Steve)

Drive them to the river. Most of

these guys were at my summer camp

last year. I know they can't swim.

A HORN sounds. Off in the distance a line of elephants is coming, loaded with archers.

THEODEN (Joe)

Re-form the line. Sound the

charge. Take them head on.

WILLIAM WALLACE

Take them head on? It's a stampede

of rampaging elephants. That does

it, I'm outta here. Gotta be a

moron to follow him into battle.

Opie runs wildly towards the elephants, waving a broomstick.

OPIE

Ope...ope...ope...

WILLIAM WALLACE

Like I said...

Several HORNS BLARE. The Rohirrim charge the line of elephants.

EXT – ATOP AN ELEPHANT CARRIAGE - DAY

A group of Asian tourists are out for a tour. One of them stands up and points.

ASIAN TOURIST

(subtitled)

Hey look, here comes some natives

to do a ceremonial war dance.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

All the other Asian tourists jump up and begin clicking away on their cameras.

EXT – PELENNOR FIELD - DAY

Eomer stops in front of an ELEPHANT and throws his spear at the driver. It kills the driver and he falls off. His axe snags the elephant's ear and he remains hanging there. A SECOND ELEPHANT looks over at the hanging body.

ELEPHANT ONE

Oh hey, I like your earring.

ELEPHANT TWO

Thanks. It's so hard to accessorize

for a battle, you know?

EXT – PELENNOR FIELD IN FRONT OF MINAS TIRITH - DAY

Theoden is hacking away at orcs. The Witchking flies in and the pigeon he's riding on grabs Theoden in his mouth then spits him out. Theoden lands in a crumpled pile. The pigeon spits.

PIGEON

Yuck, when was the last time you

bathed?

Eowyn runs in between Theoden and the pigeon.

EOWYN (Hayley)

If you touch him, I will kill you.

WITCHKING (Death)

Do not come between the Nazgul and

his prey.

The pigeon takes a swipe at Eowyn. She sidesteps and cuts off the pigeon's head. The Witchking falls to the ground while the pigeon runs around like a chicken with its head cut off. The Witchking gets up and approaches Eowyn, a large flail hanging from his hand. He swings it at her head but she ducks out of the way. He swings again and shatters the shield. Eowyn falls to the ground holding her arm. The Witchking looms over her menacingly.

WITCHKING (Death)

You fool. No man can kill me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Jeff Gillooly runs in, smashes the Witchking in the knee and runs off. The Witchking goes down holding his knee, whining like Nancy Kerrigan. Eowyn stands and rips off her helmet.

EOWYN (Hayley)

I am no man, I'm a feminist.

Eowyn raises her sword and drives it through the Witchking's head. The Witchking dies.

EXT – HARBOR - DAY

A ship sails up to the dock. On the shore a group of orcs is hanging out. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas jump onto the dock.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Look, it's a welcome party.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Then let's get this party started!

The three rush the gang of orcs. A stream of ghosts come flying off the ship behind them.

EXT – PELENNOR FIELDS IN FRONT OF MINAS TIRITH - DAY

Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and the ghost army cut through the orcs. An elephant charges them.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Come to papa!

Legolas leaps upon the elephant, shooting archers as he climbs. He reaches the top and jumps into a veiled carriage.

INT – VEILED CARRIAGE

Legolas finds a beautiful middle eastern woman.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

(looking skyward, praying)

I love my job.

EXT – PELENNOR FIELDS IN FRONT OF MINAS TIRITH - DAY

Aragorn and Gimli are sitting on the ground playing cards. Legolas appears.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

I killed the elephant.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Oh, was that what you were doing?

GIMLI (Cleveland)

About damn time. But that still

only counts as one.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

Not from where she sat.

Giggety-giggety.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

We gotta get him fixed

ARAGORN (Peter)

Oh hey look. I think we won.

Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas all cheer and congratulate themselves. The Ghost King and his army appear.

GHOST KING (Phony Guy)

Ahem...we helped too you know.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Ya you guys did pretty good. Say,

you wouldn't want to help out by

going into Mordor and killing

everything in there too would you?

GHOST KING (Phony Guy)

Sure. It's the least we could...

The ghost king is cut short as the GHOSTBUSTERS zap him and all the other ghosts.

ARAGORN (Peter)

What the fuck guys? They were just

about to kill all the orcs in

Mordor for us.

VENKMAN (Bill Murray)

We're ghostbusters, it's what we

do. Here's your bill.

Venkman hands Aragorn an invoice.

VENKMAN

There's a half off coupon at the

bottom if you ever need us again.

The Ghostbusters leave.

INT – CIRITH UNGOL TOWER

Frodo is lying naked on the floor. The ring is gone. His hands are tied. He opens his eyes and glances down at his naked body.

FRODO (Stewie)

Great. I wake up in a strange place

with no clothes on. Now I know how

Lindsey Lohan feels.

Behind Frodo, the Modor orc and Cirith Ungol orc are going through the pile of Frodo's things. The Cirith Ungol orc holds up Frodo's mail shirt.

MORDOR ORC

Hands off. That shiny shirt's mine.

CIRITH UNGOL ORC

Go on. It won't even fit you.

Besides, it's not your color.

It's going to the great eye.

MORDOR ORC

I don't take orders from little

Morgul rats.

CIRITH UNGOL ORC

You touch it and I'll stick you

with this knife.

The small orc holds a small knife out in front of himself.

MORDOR ORC

That's not a knife.

The large orc turns around. Crocodile Dundee is standing there with his back to the orcs. The large orc grabs Dundee's knife from its scabbard on his back and holds it in the small orc's face.

MORDOR ORC

Now THAT'S a knife.

The large orc stabs the small orc.

CROCODILE DUNDEE (Paul Hogan)

Hey dobey, gimme that back.

MORDOR ORC

No.

Crocodile Dundee punches out the orc and takes back his knife. Sam sticks his head up through the doorway.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

FRODO (Stewie)

Sam! How did you get past all

those orcs? Did you fight your

way up here?

SAM (Brian)

No they all killed themselves or

something. I'm getting tired. Just

get on with the story already so

we can go home.

FRODO (Stewie)

Uh...okay.

Frodo pulls out a copy of the script, reads it quickly and gets serious.

FRODO (Stewie)

It's too late. They've taken it

Sam...they took the ring.

SAM (Brian)

(nonchalantly)

No they haven't. I thought you

died. I took it.

FRODO (Stewie)

Give it to me. Give me the ring

Sam.

Sam tosses it to Frodo.

SAM (Brian)

(nonchalantly)

Here, take it.

Frodo takes the ring and places it around his neck.

SAM (Brian)

Come on. We best find you some

clothes. You can't go wandering

around with no clothes on.

FRODO (Stewie)

Why not? Gandalf's not around

is he?

EXT – RIDGE OVERLOOKING MORDOR - DAY

Sam and Frodo are dressed in orc clothes. They arrive at the summit and look down at the Plains of Gorgoroth.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

We did it Mr. Frodo. We made it

to Mordor.

They look down to see a modern cityscape. The great eye is hanging above a building similar to the Empire State Building. There are orcs carrying on their everyday business, selling hot dogs at food carts, driving taxis, walking around in business suits, shopping.

FRODO (Stewie)

Huh. Not quite the shithole we

were led to believe is it?

SAM (Brian)

Ya but how are we going to get

past all those orcs.

FRODO (Stewie)

We need a diversion.

SAM (Brian)

Great. Where we gonna to find one?

INT – MINAS TIRITH – GREAT HALL

Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Gandalf, Theoden and Eomer are gathered discussing strategies.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Frodo has passed beyond my sight.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

That's because you need glasses

old man.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Ten thousand orcs now stand between

Frodo and Mount Doom. I've sent him

to his death.

DEATH wanders on set.

DEATH

Somebody call me?

GANDALF (Herbert)

Piss off.

DEATH

Righto.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Death quickly turns and exits.

ARAGORN (Peter)

We need to draw Sauron's forces out

of Mordor.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

A diversion. We can attack the

Black Gate.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Attack the Black Gate? I was

thinking more of just setting

out a nice buffet. Nobody can

resist a good buffet. But I guess

an attack is just as good.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

Certainty of death. Small chance

of success. Sounds like a black

man opening a small business in

Alabama.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Sauron will suspect a trap. He

will not take the bait.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Oh I think he will.

CUT TO:

Aragorn is by himself. He holds up the palantir. Slowly a red bloodshot eye appears.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Holy crap, you look terrible.

SAURON

You try not blinking for

sixty-eight years and see

how you feel.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Just thought I'd let you know

we're coming for you.

SAURON

That's nice. Will you be here

for dinner?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ARAGORN (Peter)

I don't know. I'll bring a bottle

of wine just to be on the safe side.

SAURON

Dinner's at six.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Thanks. See you later.

The eye disappears.

ARAGORN (Peter)

What a nice guy.

EXT – PELENNOR FIELD ROAD - DAY

Aragorn is leading a trail of soldiers to the Black Gate. The column is filled with Gondorian soldiers on horseback, then a stagecoach carrying soldiers, some bicycles and finally a soldier on a segway.

EXT – PLAINS OF GORGOROTH - DAY

Sam and Frodo are plodding along the ash filled valley.

FRODO (Stewie)

Sam, I can't make it. I can't go

any further.

SAM (Brian)

Yes you can. We're almost there.

Frodo collapses on the ground. A rickshaw driven by an elderly ASIAN FELLOW rides by and stops.

ASIAN FELLOW

Hey. You want ride?

SAM (Brian)

Yes please. That would be great.

ASIAN FELLOW

Five dollar. You pay now.

Frodo reaches into his pocket but finds nothing.

FRODO (Stewie)

Damn my wallets gone. Those orcs

must have stolen it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

(awkwardly)

Ya...those bastard orcs.

ASIAN FELLOW

No money, no ride round eye.

The rickshaw rides off.

SAM (Brian)

Guess we're going to have to walk.

FRODO (Stewie)

Can we at least get rid of these

orc clothes now?

SAM (Brian)

Sure.

CUT TO:

Sam and Frodo are walking along dressed in original hobbit clothing.

SAM (Brian)

I thought the orcs took your

clothes.

FRODO (Stewie)

They did but wardrobe gave them

back to me. Something about nudity

and FCC regulations.

SAM (Brian)

But we're allowed to graphically

kill and mutilate all the orcs we

want. Makes sense...

EXT – BLACK GATE – OUTSIDE - DAY

Aragorn et al arrive at the Black Gate. Aragorn, Gimli, Gandalf and Legolas go up and knock on the door.

EXT – BLACK GATE – INSIDE - DAY

An orc is following an exercise routine on TV. He is wearing leggings, a headband, very 80's. He stops, grabs the remote and mutes the TV.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ORC DOORMAN

Oh crap, I hope it's not those

Jehovah's witnesses again. If I'm

quiet, maybe they'll go away.

EXT – BLACK GATE – OUTSIDE - DAY

ARAGORN (Peter)

Guess nobody's home.

They turn and walk away. The gate opens. Sauron's army marches out and surrounds the army of the west.

GIMLI (Cleveland)

We are so screwed.

Aragorn pulls his sword and holds it above his head.

ARAGORN (Peter)

My brothers, I see in your eyes the

same fear that would take the heart

of me. A day may come when the

courage of men fails. But it is not

this day. In the immortal words of

Rowdy Roddy Piper, "I have come to

chew bubblegun and kick ass. And I'm

all out of bubble gum."

A Gondorian pikeman holds up some gum.

GONDORIAN PIKEMAN

I have some bubblegum.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Shut up. This day we fight!

Everyone else draws their swords. Aragorn looks around at his friends.

ARAGORN (Peter)

(solemnly)

For Frodo.

MERRY (Meg) and PIPPIN (Chris)

For Frodo.

GANDALF (Herbert)

For little boys.

LEGOLAS (Quagmire)

For cheap whores.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GIMLI (Cleveland)

And Halle Berry!

They charge the army of orcs and engage them.

EXT – MOUNT DOOM - DAY

Sam and Frodo are struggling up the side of Mt Doom.

Sam looks up.

SAM (Brian)

Look Mr. Frodo, a trail.

A four lane highway leads up to the entrance to Mount Doom.

FRODO (Stewie)

(weakly)

I don't think I can make it Sam.

SAM (Brian)

Come on Mr. Frodo. I can't carry

it for you...but I can carry you.

Sam flexes his muscles and lifts Frodo. He carries him a couple of steps then the two of them collapse in a pile. Neither moves.

FRODO (Stewie)

(sarcastically)

Are we there yet?

SAM (Brian)

Fuck you.

Gollum appears on a rock above Sam and Frodo.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Nasty hobbitses. Mustn't go that

way.

Sam and Frodo get up.

FRODO (Stewie)

I'll go along with that. Let's go

back down and find a seven eleven.

SAM (Brian)

No, we have to destroy it. We have

to keep going.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

Destroy the precious? I don't

think so.

FRODO (Stewie)

You're not going to get the

precious from me.

Gollum pulls out a gun and points it at Frodo.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Oh I think this nine millimeter

says we will. NOW GIVE IT TO ME!

FRODO (Stewie)

Nine millimeter? I don't think

so. Propmaster!

The propmaster walks on, grabs the gun from Gollum, slaps him across the face and walks off.

GOLLUM (Roger)

(holding his cheek and tearing up)

You're all bastards!

Gollum jumps Frodo and they fight for the ring. Gollum is strangling Frodo.

FRODO (Stewie)

You swore on the precious.

GOLLUM (Roger)

You should know you can't trust

anyone in Hollywood.

Sam picks up a rock and throws it at Gollum's head. It strikes Gollum and he rolls over, unmoving.

Frodo laughs then stops, picks up a stick and pokes Gollum. No response.

FRODO (Stewie)

Uh oh. I think you killed him. Run!

Sam and Frodo take off. Two paramedics run onset. They hook Gollum up to a defibrillator.

PARAMEDIC

Clear!

He shocks Gollum. Gollum regains conscious and rubs his head where the rock hit it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

GOLLUM (Roger)

Ow. Damn it. Somebody's going to

get their ass sued over this.

A lawyer walks on holding Roger's contract.

LAWYER

Sorry Roger. You forfeited your

right to sue when you signed this

waiver after refusing to use a

stunt double for the film.

GOLLUM (Roger)

Only pussies use stunt doubles.

I'm like Jackie Chan, not some

William Shatner wannabe from the

original Star Trek.

CUT TO:

Original Star Trek clip of a Captain Kirk fight, utilizing an obvious stunt double. The stunt double has a beard.

EXT – MOUNT DOOM - DAY

GOLLUM (Roger)

Fine. Forget it. But I'm still

going to kick Brian's ass.

Gollum takes off up the mountain.

EXT – BLACK GATE – OUTSIDE - DAY

The battle rages on. The Winged Nazgul arrive and begin killing Gondorian soldiers.

PIPPIN (Chris)

The eagles are coming. The eagles

are coming.

The Giant Chicken and a few of his relatives arrive. The Giant Chicken lands beside Aragorn and begins punching out orcs.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Hey Ernie, how's it going? Hard to

believe we're finally on the same

side.

INT – MOUNT DOOM

Frodo is standing on the edge of the chasm. Sam runs in and sees him.

SAM (Brian)

What are you waiting for? Destroy

it!

FRODO (Stewie)

No Sam. I finally have the power

to take over the world. With this

ring, victory is mine!

Frodo puts on the ring and disappears.

SAM (Brian)

Noooo...

Gollum comes up behind Sam and belts him over the head with a rock. Sam goes down. Gollum jumps on Frodo and struggles with the invisible hobbit. He opens his mouth and bites down. Frodo appears, his hand is bleeding profusely. Gollum holds the ring and a portion of Frodo's finger.

FRODO (Stewie)

Augghhhh...you shit eating cock

turd. That was supposed to be a

special effect.

Frodo picks up a baseball bat and beats Gollum back until he falls of the cliff. Gollum falls into the lava where he slowly sinks. Just as his hand finally sinks, he flips Frodo the bird.

EXT – MORDOR – BARAD-DUR - DAY

The great eye bulges out then pops, spewing mucous and goo all over the place. At the base of the tower, orcs are running out of the building. Two engineers are nearby, looking over blueprints. They are wearing jackets that say "NASA Skylab Project".

NASA ENGINEER

Stop panicking everyone. There's

no way this is coming down.

A large chunk of wall crushes the two engineers. Then Skylab falls on them.

INT – MOUNT DOOM

The volcano is spewing lava. The ground is breaking up around Sam and Frodo.

SAM (Brian)  
Let's get the hell out of here.

Sam and Frodo run outside.

EXT – MOUNT DOOM - DAY

Sam and Frodo take cover on a rock where they are surrounded by lava.

SAM (Brian)

Ya know Frodo, if we ever make it

back to the Shire, I'm going to

screw Rosie Cotton's brains out.

FRODO (Stewie)

Are you going to marry her?

SAM (Brian)

Marry her? Are you kidding. We're

heroes. We can get any girl we

want.

FRODO (Stewie)

Typical man.

SAM (Brian)

All right fine. If we get out of

this alive, I promise to marry

Rosie Cotton. Happy now?

FRODO (Stewie)

Much. But I don't think you'll

need to worry about sending out

invitations.

Sam and Frodo pass out.

FADE TO BLACK

LONG PAUSE

DIRECTOR (V.O.)

Psst. Turn the camera back on.

We're not done yet.

CAMERAMAN (V.O.)

Sorry.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

The camera turns comes back on and focuses. Sam and Frodo are passed out. The Giant Chicken and two other chickens fly in and pick them up.

EXT – SKY - DAY

The chickens are flying while holding Sam and Frodo in their claws. Frodo regains consciousness and looks up.

FRODO (Stewie)

So that's what a chicken's penis

looks like. I guess that actually

makes you a rooster then doesn't

it?

ERNIE

Yes it does.

FRODO (Stewie)

Funny. I didn't think roosters

could fly.

ERNIE

Uh oh.

The two chickens stop in midair then plummet straight down.

EXT – PLAIN OF GORGOROTH - DAY

Sam, Frodo and the three chickens are walking. All five are battered and bruised.

SAM (Brian)

You just had to say something

didn't you. You couldn't let us

fly back to Minas Tirith. Now we

have to walk. You know what this

means don't you? That trip to my

mother's?

FRODO (Stewie)

Crap.

CUT TO:

The three chickens are walking. Sam is riding on Frodo's shoulders.

EXT – MINAS TIRITH – OUTSIDE THE THRONE ROOM - DAY

Gandalf is standing at the top of the stairs. Aragorn is facing him, down a few steps.

GANDALF (Herbert)

Kneel.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Sorry, I don't like where my face

would end up. Just gimme the crown.

Aragorn snatches the crown from Gandalf, puts it on and turns to the crowd.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Let's hear it for the king.

The large crowd of extras stands there silently. A crew member holds up an Applause sign. The crowd cheers. Arwen appears dressed in a white wedding gown.

ARAGORN (Peter)

White? Really? I thought white was

only for virgins.

ARWEN (Lois)

I am a virgin.

ARAGORN (Peter)

You're three thousand years old!

How can you still be a virgin?

ARWEN (Lois)

I was waiting for the right man.

Haven't you been waiting for the

right woman?

Aragorn stares at Arwen for a moment then bursts out laughing.

ARAGORN (Peter)

Come on baby, let's go dirty up

that dress.

FRODO (Stewie)

Ugh, I'm not staying for this

peepshow. Let's get home.

CUT TO:

MAP OF MIDDLE-EARTH

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

A dotted line begins snaking its way home. Along the way it takes a few detours and makes some loops along with appropriate sounds effects (PLANES, TRAINS and AUTOMOBILES) until it finally arrives back in the Shire.

EXT – HOBBITON – BAG END - DAY

The four hobbits arrive outside of Bag End. They see Saruman and Wormtongue working in the garden.

PIPPIN (Chris)

What the hell? We saw you die.

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Oh that was just Jackson's idea.

He cut out the whole Scouring of

the Shire chapter. Really pissed

off a lot of fans and purists.

FRODO (Stewie)

So what, now we're trying to

correct it?

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Not really. We're almost out of

money so they cut the final battle

in the Shire and are just having

this final scene with me.

WORMTONGUE (Mort)

And me!

SARUMAN (Bullock)

Shut up Worm. You're not important.

Wormtongue leaps on Saruman's back and slits his throat. An arrow pierces Wormtongue's head and he falls dead. Robin Hood drops down out of a tree.

ROBIN HOOD

Oops. Shit. Sorry, I thought he

was the Sheriff of Nottingham.

SAM (Brian)

That just makes no sense whatsoever.

Saruman falls to the ground and dies. Blood forms a big pool around his body. Consuela comes out of Bag End and looks at the body.

CONSUELA

Oh dear, I'm going to need more

Lemon Pledge.

EXT – SAM'S HOBBIT HOLE - DAY

CAPTION: TWO YEARS LATER

Frodo knocks on Sam's door. Sam answers.

SAM (Brian)

Hi Mr. Frodo. What's up?

FRODO (Stewie)

I'm going to the Grey Havens. Want

to come?

SAM (Brian)

Sure.

EXT – GREY HAVENS - DAY

Sam and Frodo are lined up waiting to go through security.

SAM (Brian)

Wait a sec. Why are we going

through security? Aren't we just

seeing Bilbo off?

FRODO (Stewie)

Because I'm leaving.

SAM (Brian)

You're...you're leaving?

FRODO (Stewie)

Yes I'm leaving.

SAM (Brian)

After everything we've been

through together, you're just

running off and leaving me here

by myself. All alone.

FRODO (Stewie)

There, there Sam, you're not

alone. You have Rosie and Elanor

and little Frodo and all the other

little bastards yet to come.

SAM (Brian)

But...

FRODO (Stewie)

No Sam. This is something I must

do.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

SAM (Brian)

Then I'm coming with you.

FRODO (Stewie)

(searching for an excuse)

No Sam. You can't come. You...you

...weren't a ring bearer.

SAM (Brian)

I did too carry the ring.

FRODO (Stewie)

Perhaps but technically that still

doesn't qualify you.

SAM (Brian)

(getting angry)

You selfish little puke.

FRODO (Stewie)

Yes well ta ta. Have a nice life.

Frodo turns and walks through the scanner. A guard stops him.

GUARD

Sorry sir. You've been randomly

selected for a full body search.

Would you come with me please?

Suddenly Gandalf appears. He's wearing a guard's uniform as well.

GANDALF (Herbert)

(smiling coyly)

Why hello Frodo. Fancy meeting

you here.

Gandalf snaps on a rubber glove.

FRODO (Stewie)

Augghhhhhhh...

Frodo tries to get back to Sam but the guard grabs him and hauls him away. Gandalf follows after them. Sam gets a smug look on his face.

SAM (Brian)

All's well that ends well. Time to

get back home.

EXT – SAM'S HOBBIT HOLE - DAY

Sam approaches his home.

SAM (Brian)

Well, I'm back.

Sam opens the door and pauses before going in. There is SCREAMING and CRYING inside as Rosie deals with the two children. Sam quietly closes the door.

SAM (Brian)

Maybe I'll just head over to the

Green Dragon for a few hours.

FADE OUT

THE END


End file.
